I read constantly, and no matter what I read, fiction or non, childhoods often make their way into the story line. I mean, some artists are the way they are because they were literally brutalized by their parents, beaten and tortured, or the opposite, where they were suffocated, or ignored.
It’s exhausting. The angst of it all. Yes, some kids have lives that are so horrific they should be able to set their parents on fire as soon as they can light a match and then roast marshmallows in the flames. Seems fair to me. Monsters really do exist.
And then there are those who mourn the fantasy parents they wished they had had, but didn’t. And, there are always those who never really leave their parents, held there by fear or guilt.
What are we doing to each other? It’s pure craziness. It seems as if our “nuclear families,” are NOT working. Parents make their kids insane, in one way or another. I personally know people who still long for acceptance and love, from parents who have been dead for years.
I think a few things were left out of me, because I just don’t get it.
I see so many mentally damaged children coming out of homes where they are suffocated by over protective parents who make all their choices for them. Today, a friend of mine was telling me about a 48 year old single male who has dinner with his DIVORCED mother and father every week, and spends holidays with them, as well as time during the week. The divorced parents are spending time together for the sake of their 48 year old son, at least that’s what they are telling themselves. He had to have a personality that would allow him to be manipulated in that way, or maybe he just never wanted to grow up.
I grew up at time where no one knew where you were, or what you were doing. We just had to show up for dinner and then we were released to go on our merry way until the streetlights went on, so I admit that I have a very different and slanted perspective. “Did you have a nice day?” was the only thing my mother asked me, after being gone for ten hours. That’s what all the mothers asked. I always said, “Yes,” because it was the truth. Sadly, we can’t live like that anymore and kids are constantly monitored by adults and enrolled in so many activities, they don’t have a moment to themselves. I see that as a really bad thing. Camera’s and being watched does weird things to people.
And why do so many people need affirmation, pets, love, accolades and acceptance from their parents, dead or alive? Honestly, I’m not trying to be a smart ass, but I just don’t see how that improves anyone’s life. I mean it’s nice, if your parents were great and you had a good relationship with them, but how can people NEED that in order to be happy? How can they let not having fantasy parents bring them down all the time?
It’s like this. Life can suck. It can suck for everyone, but for some, it sucks a lot more than for others. Some people should be jailed for life, for what they do/have done to children, mentally and physically. But they are free to beat, burn, starve, rape and actually kill their kids and little is actually done to them, because they are the kid’s parents. They own them. There are unlimited ways parents/adults can destroy a child. Even when they kill them with what they consider to be kindness.
Our parents were damaged by their parents and their own experiences. One generation after another, hands down the baggage to the next generation. The truth is, WE HAVE NO IDEA WHAT WE ARE DOING. NONE. Look at us. Look at the state of the world where kids are dying form lack of water and food.
How many people suffer, in order to please the unrealistic demands of their parents? How many divorces take place because of “the parents?” So many couples have to choose between their families or their their spouses. That shouldn’t be happening.
Kids interpret the things they see and hear with a child’s inexperienced and undeveloped mind. They interpret what happens to them as well. Often feeling they deserve to be beaten, or it was their fault their parents broke up. Those misunderstandings can color a child’s outlook for life.
Priests use those things when they rape children. One boy said the priest said he would kill his dog, then his sister, then his parents, if he told. A child can’t see the big picture or understand that telling was the right thing to do. Unable to make that leap of understanding, he was raped, more than likely, over a period of time, which was often the case. So what happens around kids can color their entire lives, making them better, more stable, or worse.
The only cure is to teach people that their life belongs to them and they don’t have to please anyone else. You get one shot at life. You can live to please others, or you can live the way you want to live, and let the others face the fact that you are your own person, who refuses to be played.
GUILT is a weapon used by people to get their own way. So is manipulation and fear. You can see it used everywhere, but you don’t have to accept it. It is NOT selfish to want to live your own life. Living your own way is how you find out what you like and don’t like, it’s how you find out what is possible. Many people just give up and hand their lives over to someone else because it’s easier than standing up for themselves. We all know people like that. It’s not uncommon.
If anything, parents should be ashamed of wanting to steal the lives of their children for their own satisfaction or needs. Some use their children as buffers for their own bad marriages. It seems to me that the only thing parents should want for their kids is for them to be happy in the life they choose to live?
Of course, It’s unrealistic to think parents can be perfect. We don’t even know what perfect is. I don’t think there is a perfect and who would write the definition? And, admittedly, we are who we are. Most of us do the “best” we can, but we are all weird and see things through our own lives. So our kids end up strange because how can they be any other way? Between parents and innate personalities, we’re lucky we survive.
I think people who never get over what they think they didn’t have, might want to look at what those feelings are doing to their lives and to those around them. If your parents didn’t like you, or you feel that you constantly disappointed them, that’s THEIR fault, not yours. If they withheld love, or didn’t have it in them, that’s not YOUR fault either. Many parents have unrealistic, or cruel, expectations for their children.
As a parent, it’s up to you to point out to your child that someone is nasty, not to listen to him, and get away from him. For some kids, no matter how they excel, it’s never good enough. That’s evil. No one has to live up to someone else’s standard, especially when the demanding person can’t do anything at all.
We are all shaped by our early lives. For those who were brutalized, there are no words to tell you how profoundly sorry I am. Life can be a truly ugly and violent place, especially for those who are innocent and helpless. I hope soon, the sun shines upon you and your heart is warm and covered in beautiful flowers. The failure was not yours, but societies.
All of us are products of our upbringing. Many or even most people spend their lives trying to overcome what happened to them, whether it’s escaping their religious conditioning, their parents demands, or sibling rivalry. Even overcoming the place you were born, or the things you were taught, can take time to overcome. Deprogramming takes effort a lot of the time.
It’s hard being a human and the only answer I have is to fight back. But that’s always my answer to everything. I was born fighting back, even when I didn’t know who to aim at. Still, it works for me. Never be afraid to walk away and don’t let anyone steal your dreams, or your life, no matter who they are. No one is perfect, because there is no perfect. We are all just getting through this thing with the least amount of hassle and damage. And if we’re lucky, there are some rainbows and joy thrown into the mix.
If we look for problems, we’ll find them. But to what end? That’s a question everyone has to ask themselves. I guess some people need to solve certain issues, but anyone can wake up and just live for the day they have in front of them. It might not be easy but with practice, it can be done.
If you need love and can’t seem to find it, get a dog or a cat. They love unconditionally and they won’t ever lie to you. Start there, and once you find out what love is, because animals are the best teachers ever, you’ll be able to recognize it. You can’t find that exact kind of true love in humans, but you can come pretty close, depending on your expectations. I had it and it was fantastic, so I know it exists, although he did put up with me, so there is that. 🙂 He was a much better person than I could ever be. I just lucked out.
But let’s keep in mind that kids can drive us insane. Being a parent can be the hardest, never ending job in the entire world. Not everyone likes their kids either. That’s okay. personality clashes happen. Just try to make sure they’re happy and that it’s okay to be who you are even if your hair turns white and you just want to sleep until it’s over and they are out of the house. Kids don’t have to be the way we want them to be, they just have to be themselves. Sometimes they inherit the worse parts of someone in your family. It’s not their fault. Blame genitics. It’s not easy for parents to have “that” kid, but there it is. Happens all the time. That’s why so many older people are still exhausted. It’s hard, and people who have “obedient and nice children,” don’t have a clue. Difficult can mean many things and it means different things to different people. From simple things to OMG!
In the end, I think life is a play that has drama, horror, love, hate, humor, tragedy and death. Just remember that it’s not all one thing, and if you wait a minute the next act will start and things will be different.
No matter what happens, good luck and you’re not alone. We’re in this together, even if we sometimes wish we weren’t