Art and the philosophy of life

Posts tagged ‘Abuse’

From: Candy

Okay, so…parents

I’m currently reading a biography and I’m grinding my teeth while doing so.  Admittedly, I just started reading it so I’ve just read about his birth and upbringing. Anyway, it NEVER ceases to amaze me how truly hateful, withholding, mean, controlling, evil, abusive and just plain nasty some parents can be.  But that’s not the worst part…the worst part is the fact that people CONTINUE, throughout their lives, to try and PLEASE those evil, selfish and demanding parents.  They CONTINUE to seek ATTENTION, LOVE, and ACKNOWLEDGEMENT  from people who don’t deserve a minute of their time.  What’s with that?  It’s as if the child never actually grows up but continues to be MANIPULATED by parents who think they know what’s right for someone else.  They care NOTHING about the happiness, or choices their child makes because it’s all about THEM.  THAT is a blatant form of child abuse.  Often more insidious than some of the other forms, of which there is a never ending list.

What if kids told their parents that they didn’t like the choices THEY made.  What if they told them they wanted them to be better parents, different parents.  That they wanted them to get divorced, get different jobs, stop drinking and screaming at each other. Maybe they could just tell them they wanted them to be better than the parents they were.  What if they said they wanted their parents to talk to each other, to smile once in a while. To tell them GOOD things about what they were doing, instead of being critical all the time.  What about that?  Do parents think their kids can’t SEE what kind of lives their PARENTS have and are leading?  THEY CAN and they often make life choices based on the lives their parents led.

Parents are far from perfect, that’s why a lot of kids grow up to be miserable, or crazy.  But parents continue to make demands that destroy the lives of their children, caring nothing for the needs, wants, creative urges, or choices of those children.  Some parents act as if THEY are the rulers of the universe, as if they KNOW everything about what their kids actually NEED for themselves.  Kids are NOT copies of their parents, they have different personalities, needs, dreams and wants.  Those things should be respected and nurtured not ignored or destroyed because of the needs or dislikes of the parents.

Look, no one ASKED to be born.  If parents have a problem with their kids it’s their own fault.  Kids aren’t there to babysit each other, clean, cook and do things that adults should be doing.  They aren’t servants.  They don’t have to be accountants or engineers because their father was, or because it’s a stable and safe job.  Kids have their own lives…their own dreams and parents should be SUPPORTIVE of those things even if THEY don’t agree with them or it’s not something THEY would want to do.  Parents aren’t doing their kids a favor by having them.  Kids don’t owe their parents for being born.  Those choices were made by the adults who had them.   If parents HAVE them, it’s up to them to take care of them and let them be free.  Most parents don’t have kids so they can MAKE THEM INTO SOMETHING.  I think most parents don’t even know what they’re getting into but either way, kids have a life of their own and that’s the way it should be.  They shouldn’t have to seek, beg or ask for approval because their dreams are different than those of their parents…those things should be given without reservation.

So, I’m reading about this guy who lived a tortured life because his father was never satisfied with his choices, never satisfied with him, period.  Here’s the thing I never get…how can anyone CARE what their parents think about them, or about their choices?  I don’t have that gene, it’s absolutely missing from my DNA.  I don’t have the, gene that makes me want to please others, that makes me trail after someone to get attention, or love.  Never gonna happen.  Ever.  I have a gene that is programed for the, “live and let live,”  and “just get out of the way,” kind of thing.  So I’ll never get it.

I have seen older adults still seeking approval, still trying to make their parents happy right up to the very end. When their parents are dead, then they wonder if they could have done something differently.  That’s NOT love that’s abuse, manipulation and control.  Run away from people like that, no matter who they are, run away immediately and don’t look back.  Guilt is something that is programed into people, no one has to accept it.

Parents can guide kids, they can tell them the pros and cons of  issues that arise but ultimately they have to realize that they are NOT their children and they don’t actually have a clue as to what will make their children happy.  Only their kids know that.  I’ve seen kids who hate sports, forced to play sports because their fathers loved sports, when they were kids.  I felt bad for one poor kid who had to go to sport camps every summer and play three sports during the school year.  He didn’t like sports but that didn’t matter, no one cared what he liked.

I told you about the woman who had her kid put on meds, that made him sick, because he enjoyed reading, playing with bugs and doing his own thing.  SHE wanted him to have more friends.  He said the medicine made him sick, but she was happy and that was all that mattered.  She admitted that HE was happy with his life but she wasn’t so she drugged him so she could get what SHE wanted.  His choices never entered into it.

There are so many examples of MISERABLE people, living miserable lives, all because of parents who withheld all kinds of things unless they got their own way.  I don’t know why people can’t GROW UP and walk away from those parents.  What’s the hook? They are nasty, selfish, self serving parents who only think of themselves.  What do people think acknowledgement from selfish parents will actually DO for them?  It seems as if adults should be able to see through the manipulation, through the control, but so many can’t. Always afraid to speak up, speak out, to say what’s really going on. How can people be so AFRAID all the time?  What, exactly is everyone afraid OF?  Are they afraid of not being loved by mean people?

I’ll never understand it.  Not in a million years.  Not even in a billion.  I don’t know how parents can be so mean and I don’t know why adult children continue to let themselves be jerked around by parents who continue to jerk them around.

Well, the good news is, I think the guy’s parents (in the book) are kind of out of the way now.  However, He’s still trying to LIVE UP TO the expectations his hateful father set for him.  Impossible, of course.  But it did teach him how to lie and drop out of their lives.  He is nothing like his father and nothing like the kid his father wanted him to be.

All the unnecessary misery in the world.  Maybe a lot of parents hate their own lives and their own parents and simply take it out on their own kids.  What a waste.  Selfish, selfish, selfish.

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