Art and the philosophy of life

Archive for the ‘Writing’ Category

Okay, so…

We live in a completely patriarchal world.   Everything we think, see, or even believe, is male.  They run the show and…if you’re thinking...here she goes again…that’s exactly what patriarchy wants you to think.  Women have been brainwashed into thinking that what they’ve been told is real, when it’s NOT.  They have been taught to believe that what people like me say about THEM, makes me a bitch, or a nagging bitch, for even bringing this up…again.

When I write short stories where a woman stabs a man, I can assume that at least one, or two, women frowns upon it, or think that I’m bitter, a man hater, or any number of things, and that’s fine with me. I’ve been called a lot worse, believe me.

The thing is, women have been taught to protect men, to let them get away with beating, raping, and killing us, and even putting us in houses to work and raise kids, while they enjoy the world outside and have all the freedom they want.  But hey…that’s what THEY want us to do, and they have made the world in such a way, that women believe that’s what we’re SUPPOSED to do too.  It’s NOT.  We get the jobs they don’t want.  Remember that.

As for writers, take poet Charles Bukowski (he’s dead now).  He’s vile and treats women like GARBAGE, things to be used and called disgusting names.  He’s pretty much a moron.  People read him.  They love him, especially men.  But what female poets write about men the same way?  See, women aren’t SUPPOSED to do that to men.  They aren’t ALLOWED to write that way.  When they do, the punishment can be severe.  Their career destroyed, name calling shows up immediately…man hater (which I love because no one calls male writers, women haters…EVER).  And, critics will pretty much destroy women with words.  Women cannot hate men the way men can freely hate women.  It’s simply not allowed.

Men do the most horrendous things to women in real life, in books, in films, in VIDEO GAMES, pretty much everywhere they can, but women, are supposed to be NICE, or at least SHUT THE FUCK UP!

We really aren’t  ALL nice.  We’ve simply been silenced, written out of history, and pretty much ERASED.  That might be okay with you, but it’s not okay with me.

Men are in control and they don’t want us to have any power at all.  So, they make sure we don’t have it.  You can tell because you can name the handful of women whose names you might recognize (most of them will be ancient).  Even Mary Cassatt, the only female, American Impressionist, isn’t mentioned 99% of the time for even BEING THERE, let alone working the same way the MEN were.   The MEN get all the credit and MUSUEM SPACE.

So, if I kill off a few men, now and then, I think it’s only fair.  I don’t torture them, lock them in a room in a basement, beat them, chain them to anything, rape or cut them, I don’t do all the things men do to women, so I think I’m allowed to stab a guy who won’t let a woman have her tea in a cafe, at least once in awhile.

Women are just now learning about their own herstory.  It’s sketchy because a lot of information was lost, or never written down.  Plus women’s names have been lost, having taken the names of their husband.  ERASED.

Here’s the thing.  Women writers are locked into two positions.  They can write stories that are acceptable to patriarchy, or they can write how they feel and be condemned as a shrew, and destroyed.  See, that’s how men have us shut us up, with no way out.  Fortunately, there are more options for women today, but it’s still difficult and most women won’t read what other women are writing, if it’s about serious issues, instead of novels, romance and otherwise.  Women don’t want to know, or else they just don’t care.  Maybe, they just don’t want to deal with the fact that their lives have been stolen from them and they didn’t even realize it.  And, most women just won’t believe it.  They also won’t believe that things could be, or should be, any different.

The overwhelming majority of men do not read books written by women.  They don’t have to.  Boys don’t want to read books they believe are written for girls.  That’s because females don’t matter, don’t count, and are despised.  Believe it or not, it’s still true.  Girls and women read books written by men all the time.  We should stop that.   We should support women authors and see what happens to male authors, when WOMEN STOP READING THEM.  Maybe that will wake them up a little, since more women than men actually read.  I very rarely buy books written by men, unless they are about science, or a particular artist.  I always buy books written by women.  I wish I could get women to stop supporting men, so they could see what kind of power we actually have in the marketplace.  But see, patriarchy has taught us that male is better, more intelligent, blah, blah, blah…but it’s NOT.  Women are ALWAYS taught to support men, especially over other women.  Gag!

Anyway, no one will care.  They rarely do.  Try getting a man in your life to read your favorite female author.  Not a romance novel, or Pride and Prejudice, something violent and fast. Good luck.

Oh, and it’s not just female writers, it’s artists too.  It’s in everything.  Including how we dress, stand POSE, smile, talk and look.

So, that’s what I’ve been thinking about today.  How about you?

 

I’m back…

Melanie left this morning.  We were up at 3:30 so she could make her flight from O’Hara. We had lots of fun and bought lots of BOOKS.  As soon as got here we dropped off her luggage, got back into the car and headed to a bookstore.  From the plane to books, most definitely.  We actually did quite a bit of shopping and when we went to The Lunchbox…well, let’s just say she got many of goodies.  She wanted to see Wonder Woman so we went to the movies.  I was happy to see it again, although, the very end of the film is awful…with the whole love conquers all thing. She thought the ending was terrible as well. We ATE so many yummy things.  We talked well into the night and believe me, she had me laughing…the Bad Goose was mentioned in passing, but I think her new story may have edged it out of first place…okay, maybe not but I think I was way more tired when I heard the Bad Goose, so that may have played into the hysterical laughter…either way…I hope she finds the photograph she said she may have to prove her point about a dress she wore to a party.  Time pretty much flew by and it seemed as if she had just arrived when she was packing up to leave.  And I didn’t take a single picture the entire time she was here.  🙂

Sometimes…

Sometimes it’s difficult, often impossible, to understand what other people are writing about, when my experiences and outlooks are so dramatically different from those of other writers.   I wonder where they’re from and how they came to be the way they are.  There’s no way to share in what they are saying, there’s no door, or window to climb through, to touch base with their words.  I don’t understand how they can believe that smiling, hoping and being nice will change the world on a grand scale. All I can do is accept what the authors have said as something that belongs to them alone and move on, knowing they would never be able to understand me either.   Sometimes there is no common ground. None at all.

Okay, so…

I’ve been inside and outside.  I’ve been eating and just looking around…anything to not have to clean.  I repotted a couple house plants and then had to clean that up because NO MATTER WHAT I DO I get soil all over everything, including myself.  I just ate Skinny popcorn but I don’t feel skinny yet.  Maybe I have to eat the entire bag or maybe the popcorn itself was skinny, I have no way of knowing.

My house faces east so, as I’m sure you know, the back faces west.  West is my favorite direction because that’s where the sun is the hottest and that is why we put the house here, so  we could catch the rays and tan until the very last minute…using a mixture of baby oil and iodine.     Now, of course, tanning is a no-no. Well, we did it for years and years and years and loved it.  Sizzling and baking on the rocks, a deck chair, in the grass on a boat…anywhere was just the right spot except for sand and I could handle it but it’s my least favorite thing to lay on.  Anyway, not the point.  The point is that I glue myself to the back of the house and my yard because of the sun.  I love west.  East is weak, sleepy sun.  Sun who hasn’t had her tea yet and is still tired from playing with the moon up until a few minutes ago.  You know how that is.  She’s big and bright in the west until she gets tired of being in this area and starts moving toward some new place to cheer those beings up.  Then we are left in darkness and have to wait until the planet does it’s thing.  Around dawn all the people in Chicago run outside and dance, hoping to make her burn through the clouds and shine on us.  Well, EVERYBODY doesn’t dance, some people are just lazy and some don’t believe in sun dances.  Their loss.  Even the cat joins in.  Emily knows how to dance and she loves the sun as much as I do…well maybe not as much but still, she likes it a lot.  She makes a nest and falls asleep on the bench, all snug and hot.

The weeds are back but they’re green so they can stay.  Besides, some of them have pretty flowers and they don’t cry when I pass by, like the more delicate plants who fear me and doubt my ability to care for them properly.  Yeah weeds are like, “BRING IT.”  I like that about them.  They laugh if I try to pull them out.  They bite too.  So, I just say, “Hi, nice day, right?” and they growl softly until they realize that I’m not going to bother them and then they are pretty much okay for the entire summer.  Hey, grow where you’re planted, as they say. I never did figure out who “They” was but it’s a truly unfortunate name.

I bought really cool dishtowels at William-Sonoma.  Sadly, they absolutely refuse to dry a single thing.  No matter what I do, they slide right over the water and remain dry while the dishes remain dripping wet.  They were on sale and I liked the material and color.  A lot I know.  Crate & Barrel towels are thirsty and I let them indulge as much as they like.

I just got a new washing machine.  A tiny load washing machine because the one I had could be used to raise dolphins and that was a bit much.  Echo’s of times past came out of it every time I raised the lid.  Yes it was THAT big.  I had to stand on my tiptoes to get the clothes out of the bottom and I’m not short.   Anyway, I cleaned Emmie’s house and have all her furry and dirty beds to wash but I hate the idea of putting them into the pristine washer.   Sigh.  The other one went off balance every two seconds and I started slamming the lid and threatening it.  So my son-in-law got me a different one and installed it.  Then he started to tell me how to laundry.  Seriously dude? Deb was telling me over the phone as well. I’ve been doing laundry for a thousand years.  He didn’t believe that the machine was the problem.  They had to replace the first one immediately.  They put new parts in the second one and only one setting worked but I don’t know how to do laundry?  It’s like the time they told me that I didn’t know how to pronounce Chicago.  WHAT?  I was born there, raised there, went to school there, worked there, got married there, had my kids there and I was the one who didn’t know how to pronounce it? I told them to listen to Frank Santra sing My Kind of Town.

My friend said that her daughter had her first baby and told her that she didn’t know anything about raising kids.  We just looked at each other.  She said, “Didn’t I raise my kids?”  I said, “Yes, but apparently that doesn’t count because you didn’t know how to do it.”

I don’t think we’re pack animals.  I think we each need our own space and can only take being together for short periods of time…at least in this country.  For the most part, depending on your cultural background, the days of generations living together are over in a big way.  That’s going to get worse, since people are less willing to put up with anything other than what they want.  Talk about stress.  I’ve heard horror stories about those who have tried to take in a family member.  They often end up with broken marriages, sickness, depression, crying and all the rest.  Not a good thing.   Life isn’t what it used to be…where every house had a grandparent living with the family.  Not anymore.  Not a good thing or a bad thing, it’s just the way things are.

I’m going to try and finish cleaning the kitchen unless the cat comes home early and wants to play.  When the mail comes I’ll have to stop cleaning to recycle the ten million pounds of junk mail.  Maybe the squirrel will come to the door and want peanuts.  But I’ll get things spic and span.  No, really, I will.  I will.  THE MAIL’S HERE…

Okay, so…

The sun’s out.  YAY!  I’m doing laundry and redoing the kitchen AGAIN.  I like to move stuff around, that way I get to see different things in different places and if I can get bored I suspect the stuff gets bored as well.  Right?  You THINK ceramic things and plants don’t know how to feel but you can’t really be sure.  Not in an esoteric sense.  Not really.  Some people don’t believe that stuffed animals are real either but they would also be wrong.  Hey if you live in my world then everything has feelings and needs to be treated with care and respect unless they’re human and then one needs to pick and choose.  When I was a child I was devastated when my father got a new car.  I was positive the old car would fall apart with sadness because we didn’t love her enough.  I knew she would miss us and I didn’t even get to say goodbye.  Still bothers me.  Poor thing.  People should take the feelings of small children into consideration when they do things like that.  I mourned her leaving. They tried to tell me it WAS JUST A CAR but I had a relationship with her that they didn’t understand.

The teeny-tiny ants came back to visit my kitchen.  I talked to them.  Told them I didn’t want to kill them and asked them to pleas leave.  They stayed.  I wrote them a note and told them I loved them and asked once again that they please leave.  They are gone.  We take too many things for granted.  Asking insects politely to do things has worked for me a couple of times.  They understand.  You just have to take the time to discuss things with them. Maybe not wasps but other bugs are good listeners and they often do as you ask. It’s all about respecting their feelings and being calm and logical.

Anyway, I planted flowers yesterday.  My neighbor was pulling out of her driveway and said that she was going to get more flowers because she planted too early and her flowers died a miserable death.  😦  She’s lived here all her life and knows better but we are desperate people.  I’ve done it myself and end up dragging huge pots into the garage and covering things with thick plastic garbage bags when frost hit.

Emmie and I walked around the patio this morning and moved a few things around.  The white cat with black spots was here a bit later.  I noticed he has a collar now.  He sleeps in the cat house on my front porch now and then.  I though he was a stray but apparently not.  So I’m happy about that.

I’ve been listening to Andrea Bocelli sing in Italian and don’t have a clue.  I need something like Queen if I’m ever going to finish/start cleaning.  My mantra is a Queen song…I WANT IT ALL AND I WANT IT NOW.  That’s the only way you get what you want in life.  You have to for it not sit around hoping things happen…ya have to make things happen, that’s why I have absolutely no regrets.  It’s not for everyone, of course, some people like to go slowly and hope for the best.  Yeah, that’s never gonna work for me.  I’ve always been excited about life because there it was…all of it…right in front of me and all I had to do was reach for it.  I’ve never stopped reaching and it can be delicious.

Okay, so…revenge, cheeks and eyes

Revenge gets a bad rap.  After all, revenge is simply balancing the books.  Here’s the thing…people are brainwashed into believing that revenge, or fighting back, is wrong and that works exceptionally well for those who take things from others. People are lied to and told that being kind and nice and forgiving will get them pats on the back, a free ride to heaven, or make them good people.  That’s not true.  What it makes them are people who are taken advantage of, people who have sore cheeks and people who can only see out of one eye.

“An eye for an eye makes both people blind.”  Oh, please.  How insane is that saying!  This is just one more way to make people ACCEPT their lot in life and leave the bad guys (please include the churches and government) free to do as they please.  Look, if people think they will lose an eye when they go after someone they will think TWICE about ripping someone off, or abusing that person.  If there is no payback, they are free to take and do whatever they like. And “turning the other cheek,” just leave a person black and blue on both sides.  The thing is to stop the hand/fist, or words,  from reaching your face in the first place.  All those sayings do is give bullies and thieves a pass go ticket to do as they please with no reprisal.

Laws are revenge but they are corrupt.  If you don’t give the state your hard earned money in outrageous taxes they will take your  house, your eyes, or anything else they can carry, especially if you aren’t white.  The thing is they NEVER turn the other cheek…they are ALL ABOUT revenge.  THOSE are the kind of people these crazy sayings serve and protect. THEY want what you have.  They want what you work for and they will slap you around if you don’t give it to them.  Same deal with everyone else.

Brainwashing people into believing that they should take what they get and come out smiling is cruel beyond belief and responsible for most of the trouble and misery people endure, especially WOMEN.  It turns people into doormats, to be walked on again and again.  No one can respect someone who “takes it,” all the time.  If people don’t respect and stand up for themselves, no one else will respect them either.

Conditioning is used to make us into sheep.  It works.  You don’t have to believe the things you’ve been told by others, especially the church and the government.  I’ve seen cheek turners and nice people and I knew immediately that I NEVER want to be like them. That’s how I turned out like this…I saw them.   The cheek turners I’ve known lived miserable lives…never getting what they wanted and always giving and forgiving, again and again and YAWN…again.  I know people who never stop waiting for the day when someone will recognize their goodness and sacrifice…uh, never gonna happen and really, what a terrible way to live.  Abuse comes in many forms.  No one cares about what those people do, others just take what they want.  Remember that abuse may come with a smile rather than a heavy hand but it’s abuse all the same.

Our lives belong to us and no one else.  We can live them anyway we choose to live them. Not believing in revenge/payback/an eye for an eye, or turning the other cheek is a bad thing.  Each of us deserves to have the life we want and the only way to get it is to stand up straight and say, “Go ahead punk, make my day.”

Advice:

Never turn either cheek to anyone and go for the eyes when you have to do so.  As soon as people know that you won’t take the garbage they want to give you they will treat you differently because PEOPLE ARE SIMPLY REACTING TO THE PERSONALITY YOU ARE PROJECTING and if you show weakness…good luck.

The best revenge?  Easy.  Learn to say “NO.”

Post Script:

A lot of women won’t ever be able to do these things.  They are the ones who tell their beauticians, doctors, therapists, and strangers in stores, how unhappy they are.  They will cry, they will try to be brave but few will be willing to change what they are doing.  This is so pervasive that it amazes me.  All those women bullied by their spouses, children and everyone else.  That’s what brainwashing/turning the other cheek does to people…it makes them miserable, unhappy, drug addicts, suicides and it lets the takers get everything they want.  Think about it.  How many women do you know who are taking antidepressants? Some of the women I’ve seen actually feel saintly because they bear this great burden of never getting anything for themselves and are selfless.  Yeah, no.  Not ever.  And one more thing…where do you think passive-aggressive comes from?  The rage and frustration has to come out somewhere.  Believe it.

Another post script:

This is sad but when I was doing the Gerontology thing (gag), there is overwhelming evidence that women start living and become happy when EVERYONE AROUND THEM DIES and they are FINALLY FREE to live their own lives and have something for themselves!  How truly terrible is THAT?

Life and death…yeah…it’s all about that

I don’t get why some people want to live forever no matter what condition they’re in.  I’m not sure if they are just terrified to die or if they love being alive so much that they don’t care if they are already hanging on by a thread, unable to actually participate in life.  I know someone like that.  He has said repeatedly that he doesn’t care if he’s unconscious and being kept alive by machines, he just wants to live…no matter what.  His spouse just cackles and says, “Not a chance.” He means it…so does she.  She is definitely gonna win. He knows that but doesn’t want to believe it.

I mean, come on, even vampires get bored, right?  Plus, getting older has “side effects.”   Sure I could have put on a bathing suit when I was in Hawaii and then had the entire beach to myself, once the people screaming and running away from me were out of sight. A long time ago I loved living in my bathing suit all day, swimming, water skiing, getting tan and everything else but not now.  It’s like that with a lot of things.  Some people don’t mind giving all of that up, they just keep truckin’ and don’t care or seem to notice what’s going on around them.  But that doesn’t work for everyone and the only fish that actually go with the flow are dead fish, so let’s clear that up right away.  Suddenly, tearing off your clothes and having a good time comes to a dead end and you even stop undressing in front of your cat and start reading more.  I didn’t reach that point for a long time but now that I have…yeah, not gonna happen.  I had a good run and I love to read, so I’m set.  Still, being alone and getting older sucks compared to being young and having a blast.  I just stare at people who tell me how wonderful later life is.  I actually got a degree in Gerontology because I was horrified that people GOT old at all.  I was so desperate that I GOT A DEGREE IN SOMETHING I DIDN’T REALLY WANT TO GET A DEGREE IN, just to find out if there was ANYTHING I could do to stop everyone from physically getting older.  It didn’t help.  There were a thousand, THICK books on the bad stuff about aging and a pamphlet or two on the benefits, one of which was,  “Your not dead…yet.”  So, I got another degree that was a lot more useful.  Oh, and don’t take anyone else’s medication. Spouses do that and then the ambulance has to come and it gets really messy.   I knew that BEFORE I went to school but it’s way too late to think about that now.  My minor was philosophy and that was fun because it was something to tear apart…but it didn’t make up for Gerontology…nothing could.

Ya know, it’s not about people dying either.  Like everyone else I’ve had family members and friends die throughout my entire life, so getting older isn’t only about watching those around you cash in their chips. Humans are FATALY FLAWED, we are a truly terrible design.  We’re weak, overflowing with errors and typos and glitches, not to mention being as mad as the Hatter and then some.   So yeah, I’m not on the the side of team “LIVE FOREVER.”  I’m on the side of put the hose on the exhaust pipe, close the garage door, turn up the volume and head for the exit…team.

No one knows what’s on the other side, NO ONE, so don’t bother about religion, those people don’t know anymore than you do and you can stop buying books on life after death cuz if you’re really dead you don’t come back and write books. We do, however,  know what’s here and even the most jaded person might miss something about being alive.  Cats, more cats, books, cats, chocolate, cats, books and of course, your spouse (if you have one), your kids, grandchildren, friends, cats, fast cars, jewelry, family (?), books, tea, art, chocolate, flowers, sun, cool clothes and shades, nests, cookies, swimming, trees, stars, food, chocolate shakes, brownies…well, you know what I mean.  Every list would be different so don’t judge. Sure my daughter and the kids would be the first thing on my list but they haven’t needed me in years.  I raised them to be independent and even though Deb and I are REALLY close, she would be fine without me and probably be sighing over all the stuff she would have to pack up and get rid of once I was gone.  That was the plan all along.  Make them strong and able to stand alone on their own two feet.  There’s a big difference between wanting someone in your life and needing them to be there.  Needing is always a bad thing.  And yes, of course, every list would be different than mine, since we are all different people.  Some may miss those they have met along the way, the community they lived in and things like that…all of us have had different lives and what’s meaningful to one is not necessarily meaningful to another, that’s the way life is.

Sometimes I think we have it backwards.  Perhaps we should mourn the birth of a child because s/he will have to go through life, and all that entails and we should celebrate death because we are being released from this life and it’s war, violence, cruelty, hatefulness, bigotry, racism, sexism and beauty.  It’s just something to think about.   I have noticed that the people who want to live the most are the ones who end up dying first.  I thought I would die before I was 22, because of the way we all drove and the things we did. I never said I wanted to live to be a hundred, or any age at all.  Those who did, are all gone.  I think that means something…but maybe not.  I’m not sure anything means anything.  We just make everything up so we feel better about not being able to control what happens to us. Nothing we believe is real except to us as individuals.  Not a single thing and yet people die for the pretend things they believe in.  If that’s not proof that our species is bonkers I don’t know what is.

Anyway, I’m thinking about throwing my bathing suit away.  Lately, there have only been six nice days in Chicago every year anyway, so I won’t miss it that much.  I guess I could always buy a plastic wading pool and position it on the patio where no one could see me and go blind.  And yes, I’ll make sure Emily isn’t in the yard.  I love that cat and besides, I’m thoughtful that way.  🙂    Hey, I’m just sayin’.

Okay, so…warning…run on sentences below

So, the universe is going out in ice.  For a long time, astronomers thought we might end up crispy critters but no, once they found out that the Universe was expanding they figured the sun turning into a red giant was no longer a problem.  Besides, if the sun started growing, on her way to burning out, we’d be dead a long time before we could see it happen.  The oceans would dry up, well EVERYTHING would dry up, and then she would eat us, which seems only fair I guess, after all she has been keeping us warm for a long time, so she’s entitled to a snack before she becomes a wee thing.  She’s too small to become a black hole, so white dwarf it is, but as I said, it’s ice that will end us and what an ending it will be. Like a lot of things, we can’t imagine what total and complete darkness is, and that darkness will be EVERYWHERE, I’m talking the entire universe.  NO stars, suns, nothing…just dead rocks, pitch black and temps so low, well, no one makes parkas’ that would keep us warm enough, that’s for sure, and the air would freeze our frozen lungs, besides, we couldn’t see ANYTHING, so what’s the point?  I mean, if you can never take off your gloves because they are frozen to your dead hands, surely there’s no fun in THAT.

The stars are moving away faster and faster, which is cool when you think about it, because they’re busy and not just hanging around waiting for stuff to happen, they have an agenda, or someone/thing has an agenda.   Maybe you think it’s just physics doing its thing but I think the stuff in the universe is getting bored, so it’s running away from us at an alarming rate.  Not fast enough to do anything for a VERY LONG TIME, but we know it’s coming.

See, here’s the thing…there’s no where to hide.  If the universe turns off the light and takes its ball and goes home…we can’t BUY, or SHOOT, our way out of that one.  Again, we’ll be gone before we get to see it happen because humans are a delicate bunch and prone to die in severe weather conditions when THINGS ARE FROZEN AND PLANTS DON’T GROW and we starve, but that’s a story for another time.

I often think about all the dead things that will be hanging in black space.  So dark we can’t even pretend to understand it.  NO LIGHT FROM ANYWHERE…see, we don’t even know how to think about that.  Maybe one blind worm, on some weird planet, a worm that can survive in unthinkable cold, a worm who doesn’t mind being alone and sings show tunes to itself before bed, could survive by eating rocks and in it’s many solitary hours, it might come up with a plan and figure out how to make light and then, after the worm made light, it could draw up plans for the wheel and start the whole thing all over again.  Hmmm, there may be a few holes in that theory but you never know, not really.  Perhaps that’s exactly how this whole mess began. But again, all the rich, greedy and powerful men would be equal then, wouldn’t they. Because everyone dies and if the universe is finished playing with us, well, think of all the time we’ve wasted dieting and running on treadmills, denying ourselves pleasure and foregoing chocolate sundaes every single day.

Maybe that’s what we need.  A horrific threat that would bloody well scare EVERYONE so much that we would get along for a day or two, eat CARBS and have great farewell parties, while the rich guys ran to their bunkers where they thought they would be safe, where they thought their power was hidden and when it was over and they finally came out, to be radiated into a slow, agonizing, death, they would find themselves alone, staring at fireproof signs made by all the happy party goers saying, “Finally!  Now you can kill each other!”

And the the tiny worm, on  its weird planet, would be laughing in its sleep and dreaming of fire and a way to stop the human species from ever rising again.

Ya know…

People who can’t see a way out
don’t get out

Okay, so…

There are so many things that fall under, “NO DO-OVERS.”  That means that no matter what we did, no matter when we did it, we can never take it back, we can never make it better, we can never change what was.  That’s a big thing.  So big, it’s hard to imagine until it happens and then, it’s too late.  But there’s nothing to be done about it.  We rarely, if ever, think about the true meaning of our words, or actions, and once they are set free, we can’t take them back.

Things like this can cause personal life-long suffering.  Things we can’t believe we did, or said, happened and we often don’t even know why.  Impossible to explain to ourselves, we can be left shaking our heads and wondering what happened, even years and years later.

It’s hard to forgive ourselves for those things.  Maybe it’s even impossible.  Seems as if we should be able to just tell ourselves that we did what we thought was right…AT THE TIME…and while that is the absolute truth, we still can’t believe we did what we did, or said what we said.

For some people things like this never happen.  For others it just happens once.  I don’t know what people do when they have a lot of moments like this.  It can be a heavy load to carry.  Even with the best intentions, things get screwed up and can’t be fixed.

There are people who can let things go and just shrug it off.  Some of us can do that most of the time but then, when we least expect it, the memory comes back and stops us dead in our tracks.  “How could I have done that?  What was I thinking?”

I believe it’s true that there is no hell because we are harder on ourselves than anyone else could be.  At least it’s true for some.  I don’t believe in heaven or hell anyway.  I believe in revenge, but that’s a story for another time.  We all have to believe in something, right?

I heard someone say that the only thing he hoped for when he died was to not have to think about all the stupid things he did when he was alive.  Other people have said they hoped it wasn’t just more of the same.  Life is messy.  Play hard while you’re here and just keep telling yourself that it’s all a dream.  Not a nightmare, just a nice dream, you know, the kind with unicorns and rainbows.  That kind of dream.

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