Art and the philosophy of life

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The Conversation…

Cat, Pet, Animal, Tabby Cat

“I think I should get royalties.”

“For?” she asked, dishing out his food.

“The talking cat in your story.”

“I’m not getting paid for the story.  It’s just a little thing I wrote on my blog.”

“I guess you’ll have to pay me out of pocket then.”

“I’m paying you in food,” she said, put his plate in front of him.

“What if I don’t think that’s enough?”

“I guess you’ll have to get a lawyer and sue me.  But you won’t win.”

“Judy lived with a lawyer, until she ran away, and she said I have a case.”

“A case for what?”

“Part of the profits.”

“There are no profits.”

“Why not?”

“Nothing is being sold.  It’s just a thing on my blog.”

“You sure?”

“Yes.  I’m positive.  And what would you do wth the money and where would you keep it?”

“You would have to keep it for me, or Jinx could hide it under the tree in the park.  I would buy more things for the other cats.”

She leaned toward him and kissed him.  “I love you so much.”

“I know.”

“If you could have one thing, what would it be,” she asked.

“A good home for every cat who wanted one.”

She fell on him and kissed him again and again.

“What is wrong with you,” he said, licking his shoulder.

“I love you so much sometimes it just spills over and I can’t help myself.”

“Get a grip, will you.”

“I saw Tommy rolling around in the snow,” she said.

“Yeah, he’s a winter cat.  He has fur between his toes and everything.”

She nodded.

“You guys are all getting sick,” he said.

“It’s not good out there.  The virus is bad.”

All the animals are concerned.  If you all die, who will let everyone out of the houses?  Who will take care of the animals?”

“I understand your fear, but that won’t happen.”

“How can you be sure?”

She stared at him.   “No one can be sure of anything,” she said.  “Ever.”

“Now you’re finally catching on.”

 

 

The Conversation…

Cat, Pet, Animal, Tabby Cat

“Good Catmas party,” he said, stretched out on his side.

“I’m glad you thought so.”

“All of us thought so.  Good thing you had us, otherwise you would have just sat around reading all weekend.”

“I like to read,” she said, petting him, giving him his food.

“But we’re more fun.”

“That’s true and everyone was polite around the tree.”

“With that many cats in one place,I’m surprised only six ornaments were broken.”

“The virus is getting worse and it’s possible that the medical establishment will collapse.  Our society could collapse as well.”

“If it does, you can always come and live with us.  Might need a bigger box, but we’ll take care of you.”

She leaned over and kissed him.  “Thank you.  That’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.”

“Really?”

“Yes, but I hope things will be okay.”

“Hope is an iffy thing.  Just know you have a place to go, if it gets bad.”

“Thank you.  That helps a lot.”

“It’s supposed to snow later today.  We all hate that,” he growled.  “Wet paws, wet fur,   get cold faster.  Wet in winter can be dangerous, even deadly.”

“I brought extra food and blankets, “just in case the weatherpeople are right for a change.”

:”Good one,” he chuckled.  “No one minded the fake mice.  It was premium nip and no one said anything about the lack of live chipmunks, birds, or bunnies.”

She glared at him.

“I’m just sayin’,” he said, casually.  “Why do you think you live with a two-party system of government, when it obviously doesn’t work?”

“Conditioning, brainwashing, stupidity, feelings of helplessness. Those are just some of the reasons.”

“If you insist on continuing down that sad and pathetic road, perhaps you should have the two MEN running, do what other species do, and just fight it out to the death.”

“I’ve always thought that was a fantastic idea.”

“So, do it.”

I can’t do anything.  No one seems to be able to do anything. Because of that, things will stay exactly the same, until it’s all over.”

“Will the over part be anytime soon?  Claws crossed.”

“Maybe.  Ask me after the next election.”

“Do you think most people know that the animals they live with can understand everything they’re saying?”

“No.”

“That’s what Jinx said.”

“How’s Snow?”

“She left with one of the other cats.  Too cold for them, they headed south.”

“Will they be okay?”

“I hope so.”

“Do you know what a countryside is?” she asked.

“Don’t you know?”

“I think it’s past the suburbs.”

“I worry about you,” he signed.

“Really?”

“Only when you say things like that.”

“A new year is starting, but that doesn’t really mean anything,” she said.

“You humans are the only species that makes up things like that.  You just decide to start another year, then you pick a day, and it’s a new year.  You guys are into counting, and making things up.”

“I think we’re living in an episode of The Twilight Zone.”

“I don’t know that that means,” he said, “but I believe you.”

“I’m going home.”

“I think that’s a good idea.  We’ll be over tonight.”

“See you then,” she said, kissing him all over his face.  “Happy New Year.”

“Ack!” he hissed. “And meaningless.”

She kissed him again, then walked away, laughing.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Conversation…

Cat, Pet, Animal, Tabby Cat

“Haven’t seen much of you lately,” he said, turning his back on her.

“I’ve been getting ready for the Catmas party.  There’s a lot to do.”

“True,” he said, turning around to eat.

“I’ve noticed something.”

“What?”

“You know how city people are different than country people?”

“Yeah.  So?”

“They really are.”

That’s what you’ve noticed?  They really are.”

“They look at life so differently.”

“They live differently.”

She nodded.  “We become where we’re from.”

“Partly.  City cats are way different than their country relatives.”

“I didn’t think of that.”

“Glad I could help,” he said, licking his paw.

“I doubt that city and country people could stand to change places.”

“The differences are too great for most people,” he said. “But some are born in the wrong place, so they can’t wait to escape where they’re from.

She nodded again.  “You don’t even have to be that far away from the city, to be in the country, if you know what I mean.”

“I do know what you mean and this is delicious.  What is it?”

“Um, it’s a dollar twenty-five a can.”

“I want to know what’s inside the can, not how much it costs.”

“Oh.  I’m not sure.  I try not to look too closely, since there are dead things in there.”

“There are dead things everywhere.”

“Thank you for that lovely image.”

“You’re welcome.”

“That was sarcasm.”

“I know,” he said, laying down.

“About the country people…”

“Why are we talking about this?” he sighed.  “It’s so boring.”

“It’s weird, that’s why.”

“Why is it weird?”

She shrugged.  “It just is.”

“Well, that explains a lot.”

“The cats in the other neighborhood are doing well,”  she said.

“Jinx told me,” he said.  “We’re keeping in touch with them.”

“Should I invite them to the Catmas party?”

“Only if you want a lot of blood on your walls and you have the vet on speed dial.  I said we were keeping in touch, I didn’t say we were friends.”

“Okay, so that’s a no.”

“How about gold fish, at the party?”

“No.”

“Guppies?”

“Forget it.”

“Lab mice?”

“What?”

“You know.  Those adorable little white fuzzy mice the evil scientists are going to torture to death.”

“NO! NEVER!”

“You’d be doing them a favor.”

“Change the subject.”

“Are you dressing up as Santa?” he asked, trying not to grin.

“Of course not.  Why?”

“Just wondering.”

“Why would I do that?”

“How should I know?”

“I guess I could dress up as a gigantic cat and give out catnip.”

“OMG,” he said, closing his eyes.

“Did you just say OMG?”

“No.”

“Yes, you did.”

“No, I didn’t.  I would never say that.  Did you return the plaid mice?”

“You did say it and yes, I returned the plaid mice.  Now they’re just plain grey.”

“Good.”

“You said it.”

“Did not.”

“Did too.”

“Hissss.”

“Okay, maybe you didn’t,” she laughed, giving him treats and kissing him between the ears.  “Gotta run.”

“I’ll tell Jinx where his food is.”

“Thank you.”

“I didn’t say it.”

“Yes you did,” she giggled, running away.

 

 

The Conversation…

Cat, Pet, Animal, Tabby Cat

“There are too many humans.”

“Where?”

“Everywhere.  That’s what’s screwing everything up.  Climate change, pollution…everything.  It’s all because of your species.”

“You’re right,” she said, putting his food down in front of him.

“You’re destroying everything and there are more of you being born each second.  Rabbits are jealous of your capacity to reproduce.”

She snickered.  “Good one.”

“I’m serious.  You guys have to stop breeding, or the final curtain is going to come crashing down.”

“Merry Catmas to you too,” she said, opening a new bag of treats.

“I’m serious,” he hissed.

“I know you are, and you’re absolutely right.  But there’s nothing at all that I can do about any of it.  It’s going to get much worse and then it will be over, once and for all.”

“And you’re okay with that?” he asked, glaring at her.

“As I said, there’s nothing I can do about it.”

“So you’re going to sit back and watch.”

“I’m going to sit back and not watch.  I’ll probably be gone by the time people start killing each other for a loaf of bread.”

“Wow,” he said, shaking his head.  “You’re part of the problem.”

Everyone is part of the problem.  For a long time I fought back and it didn’t do anything but eat up years of my life.  Nothing changed.  Now they’re attacking Roe vs Wade…again, so all those years of work, meant nothing, long term, anyway.  Men can still destroy a woman’s right to own her own bodies.  I quit.”

“Only losers quit,” he said, licking the plate.

“Not true,” she said.  “Smart people know when things are hopeless.  Smart people know when to quit.  I’m going to spend my time having fun and ignoring what’s happening in the world, like everyone else.”

“That’s why nothing ever changes.”

“Nothing ever changes no matter what people do, so why spend the little time we have, banging our heads against a brick wall?”

“What?”

“Never mind.  How’s Catmas coming along?” she asked.

“Good,” he said. “Jinx and some of the others are going to drop a few things off at your place later today.”

“Okay.  How’s Snow?”

“She’s having a hard time,” he said.  “She misses her people, although I don’t know why.  They threw her out on the street.”

“Will she come and live with me?”

“She might.  She said she’s going to come to your place with us.  If she thinks it would be a good idea to stay, she’ll stay, and see how things work out.”

“Tell her she can come and go as she pleases.”

“I told her.”

“How are the cats in the other neighborhood?”

“Better.  Jinx said Brutus is okay with the vet checking on them, now and then.”

“That’s great.”

“What about the sleigh?” he asked.

“No sleigh.”

“Live mice?”

She glared at him.”

“Fine. But I don’t see what the big deal is,” he huffed.  “You’re the biggest killers alive but you’re horrified when cats kill mice.  You’re a mean bunch of hypocrites,”  he said, stretching.

“The meanest,” she agreed.

He sat down next to her and head butted her shoulder.

“Do you think that if another species had bombs they’d blow each other up?” she asked.

“Not intentionally,” he said.  “We only bother each other if someone tries to take out stuff.  We need boundaries.   That way everyone has food and space.  It’s a way of keeping the balance.”

“We don’t have any balance.  We have things like greed and idiots.”

“Yeah,” he said.  “I know.  You do realize that you’ve passed the tipping point, don’t you?”

“Which one?”

“You don’t care about each other any longer. You think you don’t need each other, but you’re wrong.  You’re tribal, without a tribe.  You’re pack animals, without a pack.  You’re broken.  Your bonds are stretched to breaking and some of them have already snapped.  You won’t be able to survive that way for long.  And you’ll care less and less about what’s happening to others.  You’re even quitting.”

“I am,” she said.  “Not going back.”

“When those who fight give up, the war is lost.”

“When those who fight can never win, there’s no point in fighting any longer.  And maybe, if everyone quite fighting, things would get better.”

“That’s never gonna happen,” he said.

“Whatever,” she sighed.  “Just don’t care.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Sorry for what?”

“Sorry that part of you died.”

“It’s okay. I killed it myself.”

“Your species had so many chances,” he said.

“No.  We never had any chance.  We’ve been rotten since he beginning.”

“I was being polite,” he said.

“No need for that,” she laughed, rubbing her face against his.

“There’s not going to be a world for the meek to inherit.”

She laughed again.  “It’s because of the meek we ended up here.  If they inherit anything it will be what they sowed by hiding, and keeping their mouths shut.”

“That’s one way to look at it.”

“Yes,” she said.  “It is.  The meek just sit around waiting for what’s left.  They let everyone else fight their battles for them.  Therefore, they have nothing to say about anything because they didn’t earn the right to say anything.  Everything we do have, others fought to get, but the meek just take advantage of the gains made by others.  How is that okay?  Then they are critical of what was won.  I’m speaking in sweeping generalizations, you know.  Not everyone is everything.”

“The big picture?”

“Yes.”

“People are different.  Some can’t do action.  It’s not in them to fight.”

“Then they’ll die like everyone else.  Only quietly and without ever having done anything to stop what’s happening.”

“What’s wrong with you today?” he asked, putting his paw on her hand.

“I woke up and saw how useless everything we do is.  A band aid on a gushing lethal wound.”

“I don’t think that’s true,” he said.”

“It is for me,” she said.  “Tell Jinx his food is over there.”

You’re actually make me depressed,” he said, looking away from her.  “I feel like I’m on a sinking ship.”

“More like a sinking planet,” she snickered.  “If things work out, we’ll be gone and there will be enough left for whatever animals we haven’t killed.  Maybe they’ll be able to survive and eventually flourish.”

“You’re in a dark place.”

“I’ve always been in a dark place.  I just didn’t know it,” she sighed.  “The bulb burned out.”

“I think it’s because the sun doesn’t shine anymore.  It’s winter and your miserable.”

“That too.”

“Merry Catmas,” he said, pressing against her arm.  “Go home and have some hot chocolate.  Maybe you’ll feel better tomorrow.”

She kissed him and rested her face against his.  “You’re the best thing there is.  You know that, don’t you?  You’re what’s worth fighting for, and I can’t get people to stop eating and wearing most of the animals.  See what I mean?  Compassion doesn’t exist, or people wouldn’t be able to do the things they do.  Humans are a lie.”

“Maybe you should go to the vet.”

“I’ll see you tonight,” she chuckled.  “I love you.  Always and forever.”

“Okay,” he said.  “Pick up some sardines.”

“Anything else?”

“Maybe some of those new treats.”

“Of course,” she said, and walked away.

“WINTER WON’T LAT FOREVER, YOU KNOW,” he shouted. “THE SUN WILL COME OUT AGAIN.”

She waved and kept walking.

 

 

 

 

 

The Conversation…

Cat, Pet, Animal, Tabby Cat

“Do you think you can get a whole tuna for the Catmas party?”

“I do not,” she sighed

“How about a couple of turkeys?”

“No.”

“A salmon?”

“How about carrots?”

He looked at her in horror.

“Talk about something else,” she said.

“Why do you think they picked reindeer to pull his sleigh?”

“I have no idea,” she said.  “Maybe because they were big and strong enough to do it.  I mean, look how many of them it takes.  Or, maybe reindeer were the only animals who lived at the North Pole.”

“I don’t think so.”

“No?”

“No,” he said.  “Reindeer are too heavy to fly.  They are not aerodynamically cut out to do it.  They don’t even have wings and their antlers would be a hindrance, more than anything else.  They move their legs, as if they’re galloping in the air.  That’s just stupid.”

“Well, cats just can’t pull something that heavy.  And you guys can’t really fly either, although it sometimes seems as if you can.”

“Birds.”

“What about them?”

“Birds should be pulling the sleigh,” he said, biting his claws.  “Everyone knows birds can fly.”

“A bird weighs about an ounce an a half.”

“I’m not talking about sparrows and wrens  I’m talking about vultures and eagles.  Some dinosaurs could fly, but they aren’t around any longer.”

“It doesn’t really matter, because none of it’s real anyway.”

“Still,” he said, “of all the beings on earth, why reindeer? ”

“It’s a question that may never be answered.”

“I hate when that happens,” he growled.

She snickered.  “I’m really sorry about that.”

“The cats are home from the hospital.  Jinx said they look a lot better.”

“I’m so glad.”

“Why do you hang around with cats instead of people?”

“I like cats better.”

“Of course you do.  But still, shouldn’t you be spending some time with your own species?”

“Why do you care?” she asked, putting more treats in front of him.

“Hey, I’m just looking out for you.”

Her eyes filled with tears. She leaned over and kissed him, then pressed her face to his side.  “I think that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.”

“So you’re saying that you only know mean people?”

“No,” she laughed, petting him.  “I know some nice people.”

“The vet seems nice.  Terrifying, but nice.”

“I can see why you would think she was terrifying.  But yes, she’s nice.”

“Maybe she knows why reindeer were chosen, instead of birds.” he said, hopefully.

“I doubt it, but I’ll ask her.”

“Tell her it doesn’t make sense.”

“I will,” she said, “but I bet she already knows that.  How’s Snow doing?”

He rolled onto his side.  “She’s okay.  It’s a big adjustment coming from a home to the street.  Everyone likes her, so that helps.  She’s staying with two other females.  They’re teaching her the ropes.”

“How can I help?”

“You can’t, unless you take her home with you.”

“I will.  Where is she?”

“You can’t just take her,” he said.  “You have to ask her if she wants to go.”

“I will.  Where is she?”

“I’ll talk to her,” he said.

“Promise?”

“Promise,” he said, closing his eyes.  “I’m going to take a nap now.”

“I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Don’t get hit by a car on the way home,” he whispered, as he fell asleep.

“I’ll try not to,” she said, and kissed him goodbye.

 

The Conversation…

Cat, Pet, Animal, Tabby Cat

“The vet stopped by the other neighborhood.”

“I know,” she said.  “I heard there was a bit of trouble.”

“She took two of the cats.  Of course, there was a bit of trouble.”

“They were very sick and needed to be in the hospital.  They might have died, if she hadn’t taken them.”

“That’s what she said,” he sighed.  “Jinx and I had to talk Brutus and his enforcers, down, and explain that she would bring them back.”

“She said you did a great job.”

“We always do a great job.  When are they coming back?”

“Maybe next week some time.  They had terrible infections, from fighting wounds.  She treated quite a few of the others, while she was there, as well.  They aren’t getting enough food and they need looking after.”

“That’s what I thought,” he said.  “It’s especially bad with this freezing weather.”

“We are going to try and help them.”

“Good.  The people who live there, can barely feed themselves.  They can’t afford to help the cats and other strays.”

“It’s a horrible situation.”

“What about the sleigh?”

“No sleigh.”

“It’s Catmas.”

“We are going in the car.  It holds a lot more, it’s warmer, and I won’t have to push or pull it.”

“It won’t be as much fun.”

“I’ll decorate the car.”

“Can we put it on blades, like a sleigh?”

“No.  We cannot,” she said, looking at him.  “You don’t want to get into the car, do you.”

“I will if you leave the windows open, or the doors.”

“You don’t want to be closed in.  That’s why you want the sleigh.”

“What about the mice?” he asked, changing the subject.

“I bought all I could find,” she said.

“Brown or white?”

“Plaid.”

He glared at her.  “Seriously?  When have you ever seen plaid mice?”

“In the pet store, where the cat toys are.”

“So they aren’t live mice?”

She looked down and saw a white cat staring at her.  “Hi,” she said.  “Who are you?”

“Meep.”

“That’s Snow,” he said.  “She’s new.  Got here last night.”

“Hi Snow,” she said, holding out her hand.  “Hungry?”

“Meep.”

She opened a can of food and put it on a paper plate.  Snow looked at it, then looked at him. He nodded and she started eating.

“Did you just tell her she could eat?”

“No.  I told her it was ok to eat.  It wasn’t poisoned food.”

“Oh.”

“People try to poison us, you know.”

She closed her eyes and ground her teeth.

“What else did you get for the cats besides blankets and fake mice?”

“Heated water dishes, like yours, heated beds, some toys…”

“You know that feral cats don’t play with toys, don’t you?”

“Yes.  but someone might like a feather.”

“Maybe. Will a bird be attached to it?”

Snow finished eating, rubbed against her legs and walked away.

“Someone threw her out.”

“What?”

“She was living in a house and the people moved, so they threw her out on the street.  She found her way here, but she’s not very street smart.  She’s never really been outside before.  We’re watching her, because she’s a little too friendly with people and that’s a dangerous thing to be.”

“Do you think it’s EVER possible to feel good, or be happy?  Even for five minutes?”

“I don’t know.  I think there would be more happiness and less death if your species was gone, but I don’t think we’ll be that lucky, for a while, at least.”

“I bought fifty pound bags of cat food and put the food out for the cats in the other neighborhood.  I’ll keep doing it.”

“That will help,” he said, licking his front paw.

“More of the cats have been staying at my place.  I wish all of you would move in, at least for the winter.”

“It’s up to them.”

She nodded.  “I know.  I put more igloo houses in the alleys.  There are about twenty of them now.  There are soft cushions inside.  They’re insulated.”

“Thanks,” said Jinx, sitting by her foot.”  He was fluffy, in his winter coat, starting at her with the most beautiful face and gorgeous eyes.  She sighed and reached down to pet him, giving him food and soft words. “I love you Jinx,” she said.  He arched his back and purred against her.

“How many cats can you love at once?” he asked, flexing his claws..

“I love all of you,” she said.

“But you love me the most, right?”

“Absolutely,” she said, winking at Jinx.

Jinx snickered, finished his food, and took off.

She leaned forward, kissed him, rubbed her face against his fur, ran her hands over him for fun, and to make sure he was okay, then stood up.  “Gotta go,” she said.  “Love you.  See you tonight.”

He watched her walk away, then curled into a ball and closed his eyes.  Humans are so weird, he thought, as he started chasing a bunny in his dream.

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Conversation…

Cat, Pet, Animal, Tabby Cat

“Did you get the sleigh?”

“I found a sled,” she said.

“A sled?”

She nodded.  “Yes.”

“Do you know the difference between a sleigh and a sled?”

“I do.  It’s just that it’s not easy to find an actual sleigh, even on the internet.  And even if I found one, I don’t think I could afford it.  Besides, do you really think cats will be able to pull a sleigh?  I mean they’re heavy, bulky and BIG.”

“A sled is something little kids sit on.”

“You’re missing the point,” she sighed.  “Cats are strong, sleek and built for jumping and stealth, not for pulling heavy and awkward things.”

“How many presents could you fit on a sled?”

“Again, missing the point.”

“I know what you’re saying,” he said.  “I thought you would push the sleigh with your car and we would look as if we were pulling it.  Or maybe all of us could sit IN the sleigh and you could pull it.”

“I…don’t even know what to say.”

“You’re probably just stunned by my good ideas.”

“I’m stunned alright.  How about if I just drive you to where you want to go and we hand out the gifts.”

“That’s another option, but less in the spirit of Catmas.”

“Sometimes our conversations make me tired.”

“I find them invigorating,” he said, licking his plate.

“I’ll drive you and anyone else who wants to go, into other neighborhoods and you can pass out Catmas gifts.  But no fighting.”

“No fighting?  What does that mean?  This is a mission of mercy.”

“Oh, is that what it is?”

“Of course.  What did you think it was?”

“I’m not sure.”

“Jinx has talked to Brutus, the cat in charge of Lakeside, so they don’t think we’re invading their territory.  It’s a Catmas gesture.”

“Okay. I just didn’t want a war, because they didn’t know you were bringing gifts.”

“We’re not savages you know.  That’s only for humans.”

“I wish I could argue with you about that.”

“I’m sure you do,” he said.  “Do you have anymore of whatever you just fed me?  It’s good.”

“Sure,” she said, opening another can of food.”

“They know about you.”

“Who knows about me?”

Cats in other neighborhoods.”

“They do?”

“Yes.  That’s why they are okay with the gifts.”

“It is?”

“Jinx told him you were one of us, so to speak. He said you loved to be nice to cats, so they won’t feel as if they are getting a hand out from us.”

“I understand that, and it was nice of Jinx to make them feel comfortable.”

“The cats need help.  They need to stay dry and warm, or they’ll get sick and die.”

She bit her lip and her eyes filled with tears.  “Can we bring them blankest now?”

“Sure.  Let me finish this first, then I’ll have Jinx take you over there.”

“Why can’t you take me there?”

“I can’t leave the neighborhood unguarded.  How do you not know that?”

“Oh, right.  Sorry.”

“Jinx is my second.  He’s the spokes cat for this area.”

“I’ll go home and get the blankets and meet him here in an hour.”

“Fine.  Maybe you could have the vet stop by there one of these days too.  Some of them need help.”

“I will.  She’ll be happy to do so.”

“Don’t let her go without Jinx.”

“I’ll tell her.”

“Okay.  I’m going to sleep, so I’ll see you in an hour.”

“Tell Jinx.”

“I will.”

“Sweet dreams,” she said, kissing him.

“Always,” he purred. “Be careful crossing the street.”

“Always,” she whispered.

 

 

 

 

The Conversation…

Cat, Pet, Animal, Tabby Cat

“I think cats should pull Santa’s sleigh.”

“Really?” she asked, surprised. “Why?  Cats don’t like chores, or work, or doing what others tell them to do.”

“I think the reindeer thing is getting pretty old.”

“Maybe.”

“And that red suit is a joke.  He should wear teal and a better looking hat.”

“I love teal.”

“Look how they changed Betty Crocker.”

“You know who Betty Crocker is?”

“I told you before, I know everything.  All cats have the entire knowledge of the universe inside them.  Why don’t you ever get that?  Betty looked old, so they gave her a new face so people would buy her box mixes.  I think they did that with the Statue of Liberty in some places too.”

“I don’t know what to say.”

“Say that cats will pull the sleigh and that the big guy will wear teal.”

“I don’t have the power to change a myth.”

“Well you can change things around here, can’t you?”

She thought about it and then said, “Yes.  I can change things around here.”

“That’s all I’m asking.  Jinx can be Santa and I’ll pick the cats who want to take the place of the reindeer.”

“Can they fly?”

“Seriously?” he asked, staring at her. “You know that reindeer can’t  actually fly, don’t you?”

She nodded.

“Santa and the reindeer aren’t real. I mean reindeer exist, but they can’t fly.  Do you know how much a reindeer weighs?”

“No.  Do you?” she asked.

He sighed.  “If I know everything, then I know how much reindeer weight.  Why can’t you understand that?”

“I’m not sure.  I just thought no one knew everything.”

“You know everything too, but you can’t access the information because you humans are too dangerous to have that kind of knowledge.  Look at the horrible things you do with the little you do know.  So, a male reindeer can weigh up to 529 pounds, and a female can weigh up to 308 pounds.  They can’t fly, unless they’re on a plane.  The fat guy in the out-of-date red suit, can’t get down anyone’s chimney either, especially where they not every place even has a chimney, and if you think he can hit every house in the world in one night, you need more help than I can provide.”

“Fine,” she said.  The cats can pull the sleigh and Jinx can be Santa, for the holiday photo.”

“What holiday photo?”

“I’m going to take a picture of all of you and…”

“You can’t do that,” he said, quickly. “Some of us are wanted by the authorities.”

“What?”

“You don’t need to know the details.  No photographs.”

“Fine.”

“We can distribute gifs to the cats in other neighborhoods.”

“Fine.”

“Food, blankets, mice.”

“Catnip mice,” she said.

“Sure, catnip mice,” he snickered. “And you…have have to buy a sleigh.”

“I don’t think so,” she said.

“Then how will we pull it, if it isn’t there?  How will we bring gifts to needy cats?”

“I’ll see what I can do.”

“Okay.  Catmas is getting closer.  You have a lot to do,”  he said, washing his face.

“And what exactly, will you be doing?”

“Napping,” he said, yawning.

“That’s what I thought.”

“I’ll make up a menu for the party.”

“Of course you will.”

“Don’t get any of those blow up things for out in front.  They won’t last two seconds.  We all love to rip them apart with our claws and watch them slowly deflate.”

“I wasn’t planning on getting one.”

“Just sayin’.”

“Thank you.”

“Most of us will be staying overnight.”

“Yes.  I was planning on that.”

“I think that’s it,” he said.  “You can go now.  I know you have a lot to do.”

“Gee.  Thanks.”

“No problem,” he said, curling up into a ball.  “You can kiss me and pet me and then be on your way.”

She leaned forward and ran her hand over his body.  She kissed him and whispered in his ear, which make him flick it back and forth.  “I love you,” she said, listening to him purr.  She could tell when he dropped off into dreamland, so she picked up her tote bag and tip-toed away.

 

 

 

 

The Conversation…

Cat, Pet, Animal, Tabby Cat

“Catmas is in the air,” he said, rolling onto his side, unsheathing his claws.  “What are you going me?”

“Anything but a live chipmunk, bunny, bird, or any other living thing.”

“That narrows my list down considerably.”

“I’m sure it does,” she said.  “How about books?”

“I can get those at the library.  I sleep there sometimes.  It’s nice and quiet when everyone’s gone, and I have the place to myself.”

“Isn’t it the slightest bit creepy?”

“You mean when the books talk to each other, or when some of the characters get out of their books and walk around?”

“Tell me that’s not true,” she said, closing her eyes.

“Okay. It’s not true.”

“Is it?”

“Yes, of course it’s true.  Lots of things happen when you humans aren’t looking.  Surely, you must have guessed that.”

“We are insane, remember.  We’ve been brainwashed to ignore certain things, so even when we know something is true, we pretend that it’s not.  We lie to ourselves all the time.  People like to stay in their comfort zone and talking books, along with storybook characters walking around, doesn’t really fit into…”

“…into what you’ve been lied to about.”

“Yes, that.  Pretty much.”

“Cats never lie.”

“Why would you?”

“We don’t play games either.  And we never teach our kittens lies, the way you teach yours.”

“You’re smarter than we are.”

“I’ve been saying that since we met.”

She nodded.  “You have.”

“Almost everyone is planning on staying over night after the Catmas party.”

“Did you talk to the others about not climbing the Catmas tree?”

“I did.”

“And.”

“They said they will try, but they can’t make any promises.”

“I guess that will have to be good enough.”

“I guess.”

“Is Jinx still with his girlfriend.”

“No.  She left.  Said it’s too cold to stay here.  She asked him to go with her, but he said he couldn’t leave.”

“He’s a good cat.”

“All cats are good.”

“I know that,” she said, running her hand down his back.  “I didn’t mean that they weren’t.”

“He’s needed here, but he has free will.  He could have gone.”

She leaned over and kissed him a few times.

“I’m going to get lots of new blankest for everyone and a few more heated water dishes.”

“We can use them.”

“I’m sorry life is so awful for some of you.”

“I feel the same way about you.”

“I guess life is awful for everyone.”

“There are moments of non-awfullness, but not enough to offset the awfulness,” he muttered, stretching gracefully.

“You said that perfectly.”

“I say everything perfectly.  Cats are perfect, therefore, every thing we do is perfect.  It can’t be any other way.”

“I cannot find any holes in that statement.”

“There aren’t any.”

“Tell Jinx his food is over there, out of the wind.”

“You’re leaving?”

“Things to do.  Blankets to buy.”

“Well, as long as there’s a reason.”

“I love you,” she whispered, hugging him and kissing his neck.”

“Make sure the blankest are nice an soft,” he purred.

“Of course,” she said, kissing him again.

“If you don’t want me to scratch you, you might want to get off of me.”

“Thanks,” she said, kissing him one last time. “See you tomorrow.”

“Whatever,” he sighed, closing his eyes.  “Be careful crossing the street,” he said, softly.

 

 

 

 

The Conversation…

Cat, Pet, Animal, Tabby Cat

“Oh, now you have time for me?” he growled.

“I always have time for you,” she said, giving him treats.

“All you’ve done lately is play with those fuzzy, feathered, chicklets.  I don’t get it.”

“They were having a party.  I was…helping them.”

“They aren’t real.  I am.”

“Are you?”

“What’s that supposed to mean?  I can bite you, can they peck you?”

“They would never do that.”

“It’s not a matter of whether or not they would, it’s a matter of whether or not they could?”

“I’m not sure they aren’t as real as you are.  And, they’re nice and sweet.”

“And I’m not?”

“I didn’t say that.”

“You implied it.”

“No.  That’s what you heard, that’s not what I said.”

“Did too.”

“I think, somewhere, the chicklets really live at The Coop.”

“You need more help than I can give you.”

“Hey, we make life up, so what’s the difference?”

“What am I eating here.  What is this?”

“Um,” she muttered, looking at the label. “Something good for you.”

“That’s what I thought.  It tastes like wet cardboard.”

“What have you ever eaten wet cardboard?”

“Not the point.”

“I think it is.”

“You’re wrong.  Again.  Or should I say always.”

“Did someone step on your tail?  Is that why you’re being so…mean?”

“Me?  I’m not being mean.  I’m merely pointing out the truth.”

“You mean your truth.”

“What other king of truth is there?  We all have our own truth, don’t we?”

“Yes.  Of course.”

“Then what are we talking about?”

“I have no idea.”

“If I could laugh, I would, so assume that I’m doing so.”

She started chuckling. “You’re pretty funny.”

“I know.”

“What would you like for Catmas…and don’t say a live hamster.”

“I’m making a list.”

“Make one for everyone,” she said.

“I am.”

“We’ll have a big party and everyone can stay overnight, if they like.”

“Sounds good.”

“How’s Jinx?  I haven’t seen him in awhile.”

“He met someone and he’s all…gak…crazy about her.  She’s a gray tabby.  Her name is Sandra.”

“I had a cousin named Sandra.”

“Is it fair to assume she wasn’t a gray cat.”

“Yes.  It is.”

“Don’t bring that food anymore, okay?  It’s terrible.  Taste it, if you don’t believe me.”

“I’d rather not, but I won’t bring it again.”

“Why is it that I eat your food, but you never eat mine?” he asked, swatting at a bug.

“I’m too tired to talk about this.  You take a nap and I’ll go home and see all of you tonight, okay?”

“Sure.”

“I love you.”

“I know.”

She kissed him and gave him pets.  “Sweet dreams,” she whispered.

“Be careful crossing the street,” he mumbled, covering his nose with his paw.

She kissed him again, rubbed his ears, then walked away.

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