she did her nails and blew on them while the world outside was falling apart but she didn’t know what she could do to stop it so she though instead about how much she loved the color orange and how it brightened her day while the ice caps were melting and plastic was killing everything that swam while big companies dumped waste into the water but that was depressing so she poured herself a cup of tea and added a second coat of polish and she really wanted a cookie but she knew the crumbs would ruin her manicure so that was out of the question at least for the moment but she’d rather think of nail polish than the poor people being thrown out of the country by a madman or kids getting shot in school or the street so after that she put on some music and started dancing and wondering what she would have for dinner and what she would find at the art fair tomorrow knowing that winter was right around the corner and then everyone would be horribly depressed and crabby from living like moles in the never ending darkness and freezing cold buried in scarfs and hats with frozen fingers and frozen cars and nights so ice cold and crisp they would shatter like glass if someone hit them with a spoon and then she thought of soup but it wasn’t winter yet and she knew that if she had soup she would feel chilled even though she wasn’t so she thought about what she wanted to read and went over to several stacks of books and couldn’t find anything that fit her mood so she lay on the floor and looked at the ceiling while her nails finished drying and started thinking about all the animals that were slaughtered so people could eat them for supper and that made her feel sick and she was sick of feeling sick so she started doing sit ups without messing up her nails because she really didn’t want to do her nails over and she though maybe yogurt would be nice and once she thought of that she laughed because someone said yogurt is spelled just the way it sounds and that made her think of listening to a book on tape but when she put one on she couldn’t concentrate so she danced a little more and then she started thinking about how women are so underpaid for what they do and how they are beaten and killed for just being alive and that led to all the hate in the world and the ugly men who run the show and how stupid it is that little green pieces of paper mean the difference between being full or hungry between having health care or being sick and that led to how many dogs and cats were adopted this month and finally got a forever home and that led to the wild horses that the government is killing and that led to the never ending wars that kill young people in the prime of their lives and that led to a round of how can we stop the ugly hateful people from dong what they’re doing which led to the answer that there’s nothing we can do because we can’t get enough people to do anything so nothing will change and then she thought of a cartoon drawn by someone who should have known better and the way he made the woman in the cartoon look and that got her upset because she realized that men hate women and see them as jokes in spite of the fact that they have mothers, sisters, daughters, female friends, grandmothers, aunts and all the rest but men are taught to hate women right from the start taught to make fun of them and call them names taught to see them as other and that was so horrible that she turned the music up and pretended that she was somewhere far away where hate didn’t but exist of course she had to make that place up and it wasn’t easy because she didn’t have any models to base that new hate-less world on
I’m sitting at a tiny table in the bookstore cafe in front of a gigantic chocolate chip cookie I can hear the books chattering to each other since I’m sitting close to them and it’s hard to write because they keep calling me and it’s getting more difficult to stay in my seat because I want to touch them see their covers whisper words of love and admiration to their rough pages I want to hold them close and then they said something about Father’s Day on the loud speaker and I realized I don’t understand what Father’s Day means any longer and there are lone men wandering around the store looking at books and drinking coffee and I don’t know if they know what it means either and why do so many magazines music and otherwise show men fully clothed and women half naked all the time those women are some father’s daughter and I wondered if the women wore clothes on Father’s Day but then women are trained to be looked at because men want to look at them women are things and men are dressed and women are not because that’s the way men who have all the power in our culture and pretty much the world want women to be naked helpless and vulnerable so it’s easier to catch them all the choices are made my men who might be someone’s father and happy Father’s Day to all the men who love their wives and children fathers who are generous kind attentive and sweet men who do not beat rape and torture their wives and children but make them happy so much music denigrates women turns them into things to be used abused and disregarded all those men and women had a father they were all children who were TAUGHT how women and men were expected to act and treat each other taught what their place in the world was taught where they belonged in the society in which they existed we allow this travesty to exist and teach it to our own children hand it down from one generation to another and then spend the rest of our lives trying to protect our children from what we taught them to be protect them from the violence that is all around them violence that we have taught accepted and do nothing to stop the rules we have been taught are unfair on-sided, deadly and for the benefit of men we have been conditioned and brainwashed to not see what’s right in front of us but instead meekly accept the way things are when we don’t actually HAVE to do that women have always needed men to protect them from other men that’s still the case today that’s why we have John Wick and the guys in Fast and Furious, men who can’t be beaten and their women are tough but not quite as tough as they are men who are violent killers but soft and sweet on the inside those are our heroes and both men and women want to BE them because in our world if people fear you they will leave you alone the Boogie Man carries weight the weaker men the sidekicks are also protected by the Wick’s of the world because everyone needs protection in the violent world we live in so here I sit in Barnes and two women came in wearing sari’s while I’m wearing jeans and a Janis Joplin t-shirt with black gyms that have skulls on the shoelaces and the sari wearing women would look like me if they were only born here and I’d be wearing the long thin sari if I was born where they were because we’re all basically identical until the RULES turn us into what we become without our consent or knowledge and all the rules were made my men I hate that so much because it stops women from becoming
I think we are all questions without answers for example can everything be attributed to our chemical makeups hormones brains or are we something entirely different from what we think we are I mean it’s possible that we have no idea what we are or maybe we are simply some kind of insane intelligence that was floating around and decided to inhabit a certain animal on a tiny blue planet on the arm of a galaxy whipping around in space we can’t know that that is not true because we don’t have a clue as to what is true and what isn’t just because we SAY something is true doesn’t mean that it is because everyone has a different idea about what truth is and why are some people hungry for life while others sit in the midst of abundance and starve that’s another question that can’t be answered except through chemical imbalance etc. but I think there’s more to it than that I think that we ARE inside of ourselves each something very different and our innate personality for lack of a better word is what it is and that’s why you get what you get and you can’t change the core of a person even if you try and even if the person ACTS differently the real he or she still exists inside because that is something that simply is and no matter how a person tries to cover it up or ignore it it’s still there forever and ever because it’s the beginning of their being and that is something that simply is and what simply is cannot be tampered with no matter what anyone does even if they lie and hungry people can’t be stopped because if they are they die quickly from lack of stimulation lack of ideas and the freedom to write or paint or make music or do what whatever they have to do to get the stuff out of themselves before the implode and the ideas float away on the air and are distributed throughout all the universes that exist and are picked up by other beings when they dream and are brought forth in a great creative burst but the seed was begun by another in a different place or dimension and just planted at night unbeknown to the dreamer and that’s how things get from one place to another even through black holes who can’t stop thought even though they can stop light but each of us IS something we don’t understand or know and that something is what makes us search because it wants to be known and understood because it can’t breath properly with all the layers of illusion that are heaped upon it and all it truly wants is to be set free so that it can create beautiful things but we keep it buried and refuse to look at it or let it out because then we’ll have to deal with that part of ourselves and since we don’t know what it is we don’t want to take the chance on what we could be and what about our bodies did we take them form others and just move in did overpower the beings who were in them first and when we took them if we did did we absorb the native species or kill it maybe we will never know and maybe that’s not the case because we really can’t get one single answer to anything so we make things up and since the answers we make up don’t answer anything at all because they are based on fantasy we slowly go mad because that thing inside us knows that nothing here is true or real and while we often run as fast as we can while we search for our own personal truth there is none to be found because truth is elusive and does not exist on a planet where nothing is real so in order to stay alive we lie to ourselves and say that whatever happens might not be okay but it’s the way things are when everything is really just the way we make them and there is no reason for war or hate or misery or suffering unless we want it to exist and we can’t FIND ANY ANSWERS BECAUSE WE CAN’T GET PAST THE LIES WE TELL OURSELVES so we are blinded by out own thoughts and false beliefs like those who believe in pretend gods who are invisible and rule over people who can’t think for themselves and we pretend that it’s okay to go to foreign countries and kill innocent women and children and old people and each other for money and goods and we try to make the bad things into good things and the we wonder why people are miserable and unhappy and why they hit others and bully others and don’t know where to put their rage and their loss of their true selves and we just pretend harder and tell everyone it’s okay that things are falling apart and that we’re killing all living beings because that’s easier than doing something about stopping it from happening and when there are no more places to hide and our children are at a dead end people will say they did the best they could for frightened deluded fantasizing people who refused to stand up and say no fucking more and the kids will die knowing they came from cowards who had been brainwashed into apathy and couldn’t even act to save them and they won’t understand not really because they live with the illusion that things could have been different than they were not knowing that no one even knows who or what they are or why they’re here or what this place is and all they’ve done is run the maze for the gain of others and they have dedicated their life not to pleasure and joy but locked in buildings they work for war and taxes and a slow loss of blood until they can crawl out of the maze and die and their job for the state that has used them up can finally be handed over to the next generation as they move into their position and rinse and repeat over and over until no one is left and the planet is finally quiet and the bodies are gone and still no one will ever knows what it was all about
I’m at Barnes again and two women are sitting chatting over sweets they are serious and animated and I’m running out of ink the gentleman next to me said I could use his pen but he didn’t have an extra so if I wanted to use is for a few minutes it was okay with him but I wanted to write a lot so I gratefully declined then I left and walked through Crate and Anthropologies then went to Paper Source and then to the drug store to buy pens now Im at Noodles eating tofu mushrooms and noodles and it’s so good when I went to Target I bought 27 cans of Em’s favorite food since that’s the only place I can get it and I bought a card and a poetry book but I bought the journal I’m writing in at Barnes because the one in my purse was way to small for all I had to say and it finally stopped raining but it’s still dark so I was thinking that we never know how we are going to die it can just happen or we may get some warning. I plan on my heart stopping during a fabulous dream about crows ravens and cats who all get along while playing in front of my white cottage that’s filled with art and books but I don’t actually have that place it’s just where I want to go when I leave here but who knows death may just be dark like sleep from which we never awaken anyway back at Noodles I’m eating at an off hour so I’m in here by myself at the moment since the mom and her son just left never having looked up from their phones the entire time they sat in the booth and ate so I don’t think that’s a good thing at all but it seems to be the way things are I almost bought a cool new book on Harry Potter but put it down although I may get it next time because the artwork was so cool and Target has good prices on books I discovered and we don’t want Amazon to take over the world unless they get rid of the moron in DC and take over washington as well so the ice cream cone I just ate at Mickey D’s was gigantic and I’m realllllly full but it was better than thinking about how DARK IT IS OUTSIDE so that’s what I did today how about you
So I’m waiting for Amazon to deliver a couple of books by my favorite authors two of them at least and it’s going on 4:00 and I keep looking on the porch but nada so I’m trying to distract myself by eating semi-sweet chocolate chips out of the bag and I keep telling myself that eating the entire bag is okay because they are mini’s after all and that makes them non-fatting and then I started thinking about how there are two kinds of people those who cry and those who don’t and I don’t cry and neither does my daughter and I don’t know if that’s because I made her a non cryer or because she just is one and no one will ever know the answer to that because some things are simply unknowable and we know that because most of the things we want to know are pretty much unknowable because the answers are WITHHELD from us by evil overseers or being who are just plain mean anyway my granddaughter who was never a cryer has started to cry and she’s really old now so yeah we don’t like it and when she cries we just stare at her as if she has grown another head or sprouted horns and we ask her why she’s crying because the only excuse for tears is the death of someone you love be it a person or cat or any animal you love so if everyone is still alive there is no reason for tears and they are completely unacceptable and we don’t really have sympathy for her because we can’t understand why she’s crying if no one is dead so when Deb calls me and tells me the kid is crying again she just sighs and wants her to stop and just tell her what’s wrong cuz crying cuts off the conversation dead in it’s tracks and when my granddaughter called a few days ago sobbing hysterically I asked her if she could drive and when she said yes I told her to come over right away which she did and then we talked and tried to figure out what was wrong with her and when she cried I just looked at her because as I said crying is abnormal where I come from and I really don’t want to encourage it so I just kept talking until she got a grip and that might sound mean or cold but hey you can’t fight back if you’re crying and one always has to be ready to attack or defend oneself and that’s the way life is and crying for some of us shows weakness and that is also unacceptable in our family and I realize that few people are like this but when you’re up against the world you can never show weakness or fear even when someone is dead and you can’t cry and tears don’t manipulate us or make us feel sorry for her we just want her to stop and tell us what’s going on and yes I hugged her a lot when she wasn’t crying or yelling but not while she was crying because I don’t want to reinforce that kind of thing and she never used to do it so rather than punch her in the arm I just kept listening and waiting for her to get to the point which she did and then we got on with it and she and I are alike in a lot of ways both of us want to pull into a parking lot and wait for the slow drivers to go away so we don’t rear end them and push them into a tree and we laugh about that but when you’re on a one lane street that kind of thing can make you want to act out but other than that the whole crying thing is a waste of time and whether that’s nasty or not that’s the way it is and we expect the kids to be stronger than that and not be weeping because after all you can feel really bad and use anger to get over it instead of letting life take another chunk out of you and that’s a better coping mechanism than tears any day at least for us so I’m waiting for the books an I’m reading two books right now and I’m not crazy about either one of them although one is better than the other because the woman in one is so weak that I want to tear the pages out of the book because she does everything she’s told to do and never stands up for herself and she’s blah, not someone I would EVER want to know but I know there’s going to be a breakthrough because she’s on the edge and it doesn’t matter how old you are you can still get a life and I bought the book because the Eiffel Tower was on the cover but so far she’s in Chicago and not in Paris so that’s another thing but I’m positive that she will find herself in Paris so that’s why I have not abandoned the book entirely and the other one is about a guy who hangs himself in a bookstore and I’ll read almost anything that takes place in a bookstore so that’s why I bought that one even though the backstory is about one of the women who works in the shop and the terrible murders she saw as a child which takes me out of the bookstore for far too long and that’s why I keep putting both of those books down but having said that one of them is on my Kindle so I’ll read the bookstore book while I’m on the treadmill because I can’t read paper books while I’m on the thing without wanting to barf and that’s not something I want to do so the two books by the authors I like will cheer me up and I’m also getting two movies and a new phone cover while people are hungry and don’t have food and yes I think about that all the time I mean how can I not think about it and I want to go downtown and to the Botanic Garden next week after I go to the dreaded DMV but I have to see what’s going on and how the weather is and if I can finish a book a day otherwise I’ll probably just read and write stories because if I write the things I’m thinking about I don’t have to carry them around with me and there’s room for the other stories to spread out so those are a couple of things I’m currently thinking about and now I’m going to see if my books have arrived and by the way Jesse made absolutely gorgeous pottery for me and I’ll take pictures of it and show you because she just keeps getting better and better which is expected of course and I love her stuff and she is like a ray of sunshine when she is working and talking about her art because after all art really is life and I understand her while my daughter is way more uh practical and orderly and in control if you know what I mean
So, it was two-thirty in the morning and I went out to feed Emmie before I finally went to bed because I’ve been refreshing the Feng Shui on my first floor for the last three days working seventeen hours a day because when I’m focused I’m REALLLLLLLY focused anyway I went out to feed the cat because she is “light” trained so when I turn on all the lights in the kitchen and the family room she comes out of her house and sits by the door or under the chair waiting for her food and this might seem cute and like a good idea but when I want to get something to eat or drink and it’s dark outside I have to fumble around in the dark so she doesn’t come out in the cold and sit by the door if it’s not time to eat so I went out and gave her food and some pets then waited for her to go to bed but she didn’t go into her bed instead she just hunkered down and stared at the opening to her three bed suite and I didn’t know what was going on until the white cat stuck his or her head out of Emmie’s house and I didn’t know what to do because it was eighteen degrees outside and her heated beds are in her house and it was now three in the morning and she was standing next to me expecting to do something to make her life better but I didn’t know what to do and I didn’t want to wake the neighbors but I went out in front and dragged the snow covered huge cat tub and yes that’s what it’s really called through my clean house over my just washed floors and put it on the patio even though I’ve never seen her go in it once and then because she never went in it and didn’t care that I spent one hundred and fifty three dollars buying it for her I went into the garage and got a huge and very deep tub and a few soft beds and dragged that outside in case she wanted to sleep in there but she was freaking out and hiding under the kitchen window all curled up in a ball and I didn’t know how to get the other cat out of her house and if the white cat was a male I didn’t know if he was marking his territory because I can’t smell cats and I was worried that even if he left she still would stay outside in the cold and now it’s after three and my back door has SLAMMED several times even though I did my best to catch it and I have two cats to deal with and it’s freezing and there’s snow everywhere and I kept holding the door open begging Em to come inside (this is a common practice that gets me absolutely nowhere) and finally after an hour I had to give up and go inside…so how was your night/morning?
I don’t believe life is real but the video is so good we get lost inside the game and forget that we’re just players playing a part and that none of it matters but it feels so good and it hurts and elates and crushes and it’s constantly being born and dying all at the same time and while we feel something is lacking and we search for clarity we make things up pretending to be safe when our only enemy is ourselves while death is the true exit and the neon sign is always lit over the doorway to home or to whatever’s waiting for us and when some are ready they take pills pick up guns jump from windows or roofs because they can’t take the pressure of being here and they’re tired of struggling tired of people dying around them tired of fighting the never ending ugliness of others that block out the inherent beauty of the place just wanting the pain to stop the release tempting and freeing like falling in love only falling into death as it reaches out with comforting hands cushioning our arrival blocking out the greed and inequity the constant noise of suffering and joy floating in the never reaches knowing it’s over at least this time but already hoping that our next life will be better makes us forget the virtual reality that is the human experience we just left and that plants a new mangled seed in our soul along with a growing excitement for a return ticket to the game of violence and passion as well as a ride on the out of control rollercoaster that’s called living