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The problem…with Santa

man wearing Santa Claus costume sitting on chair

Did you get the Reindeer Newsletter?  The one that talks about the Reindeer Strike?  Seems Santa started hanging around with some unsavory elves, making bad decisions.  Ms. Claus was so disgusted she left, leaving everyone without cookies, hot chocolate and treats.  You can imagine how well that went over.  She said she was tired of baking and taking care of Santa (his real name is Bob, by the way).  She grew weary of keeping his red suit in shape and making sure he checked the naughty and nice lists, which she sometimes changed, after doing a bit of research.   Santa had gotten lazy and just followed the list, never looking for errors, which meant that sometimes the wrong kids did, or did not. receive gifts.

She told him she was leaving, but he didn’t believe her.  Well, he did, once he realized she was gone.  She let the reindeer know where she was going, in case they needed her, but they remained silent when asked where she was.  That’s when they decided to go on strike.  They didn’t want shorter hours, since they only worked one night a year, and their food was great, as were their accommodations.  It’s just that Santa had stopped spending time with them.  He no longer came to the barn for chats.  He didn’t brush them or tell them they were beautiful.  He left that up to others.  He was neglecting them in too ways that mattered.

The worker elves tried to talk to him but he struck a pose and let his attitude show.  His smoking and drinking had become the norm.  He no longer checked the toys and his smelly, smoke filled, jacket and hat, made Dancer sneeze and rub his nose against the sides of his spacious stall.

When the reindeer told Santa they wouldn’t pull the sleigh, unless he cleaned up his act, he told them he would just skip Christmas this year.  He said he would find new reindeer for next year.  The reindeer and elves were shocked.  And just where did he think he would find more flying reindeer?

Prancer called Ms. Claus and told her what Santa said.  She didn’t seem surprised.  They talked for a long time and came up with a plan.  Prancer talked to the others and they agreed that it was an excellent plan, so they left the barn and took to the sky.

This year, the reindeer will be pulling a new vehicle, driven by Ms. Claus.  The lists will be correct and the bullies won’t even get coal.  Everything in life changes…even Santa.

 

Photo:  hue 12 Photography
Unsplash

Quote

Bad Santa – Georgiann Carlson — Brave & Reckless

people think I’m a BAD Santa
you try living with a bunch of elves
all year long
and cookies
I’m so sick of cookies
and the whole house smelling
like a bakery
and what about the isolation
everywhere I look there’s nothing
but SNOW
and more SNOW
it’s freezing cold
and look at my clothes
I just want to lay around
in a pair of jeans
and a t-shirt
the reindeer aren’t a problem
I hang out in the barn a lot
it doesn’t smell like cookies in the barn
it smells like hay
I don’t have any neighbors
I mean
who would want to live here?
my wife hates the cold
misses the city
her friends
the cafe life
I can see it in her eyes
I don’t think she’s going to kill me
in my sleep
but she might leave me
she hates baking too
and all those bloody chimneys
one after the other
and the kids leave me more cookies
I hate that some kids get more than others
that some kids don’t get anything at all
I’m thinking of quitting
retiring
if you will
calling off Christmas
or putting an ad in the paper
hoping some idiot will be dumb enough
to answer
then I can take my wife to a sandy beach
where we can lay down and get tan
we look like ghosts
who never saw the sun
which is pretty much true
and I despise candy canes
just so you know
well
I have some drinking to do
so call me whatever you like
just remember the old saying about
walking in someone else’s shoes

via Bad Santa – Georgiann Carlson — Brave & Reckless

Image

In a stunning upset, all those who wanted to be Santa, decided that they’d rather do something else. Max happened to be walking by and was immediately elected to be Santa. He said okay but the ribbon had to go after the picture. He’s purrrfect for the job.

The Finalists in the Santa contest…here’s how it works…

Since there is no competition at The Coop, those who remain in the, “Want to be Santa,” group will now sit around and discuss who will do it, over hot chocolate and cookies.  Usually it begins by someone saying that they’d rather do something else, or they think one of the others would be better for the job, until only one is left.  Everyone wants everyone else to be happy.  There’s so much to do, no one thinks about one thing being more important than another.  Two turkeys dropped out earlier because they wanted to work on Stage Crew and a horse said he’d rather give the guests rides around the Rubber Duck Pond.  That happened until the six above were the only ones left.  The Piglet said he’s thinking of working in the hospital so, more than likely, he’s going to bow out.  The rabbit, is thinking about doing a tumbling act with his brothers, so he’s not sure about being Santa either.  Linnie, just wanted to wear a pretty dress, so she doesn’t care at all and that just leaves the two dogs and Twigs, the chicklet.  The smaller dog, Woof-woof, thinks he may be a bit too small…so that leaves two.  We’ll just have to wait and see ends up being the ONE.

Santa…a short story

Image result for copyright free images of bad santa clauses

The once shinny mall had been closed for decades.  People, as well as other things, had long ago set up house inside the decaying shops and restaurants.

But at Christmas time, people worked to clean up the place and make it look a bit more presentable.  After all, everyone knows that Christmas is the most wonderful time of the year.  Besides, there were still a few children left in the surrounding area.  Presents, and I use the word loosely, were made or scavenged, and a chair was set up in the parking garage.  Someone painted reindeer on the walls.

Food, such as it was, was laid out on old newspapers and the Christmas countdown began.
The earth had been ravaged by one environmental disaster after another.  Insane leadership had made sure of that.  So people did the best they could with what they had, which wasn’t much, believe me.  They really had no one to blame but themselves, but it was Christmas and blame didn’t do anyone any good.

The volunteer Santa didn’t have the kind of lap anyone would want to sit on, so the children just stood in front of him and told him what they wanted.  Clean air, was at the top of almost all of their lists, followed by water.  They all wanted to see the sun and they wanted to have better things to eat.  They wanted to be able to go out more often and not be poisoned by radiation and they wanted cookies.  They wanted everyone to stop coughing and dying and they wanted to live long enough to grow up.

Santa, listened to each request, and tried not to cough until he fell over.  He told the children that he wished he could give them each one of the things they asked for but he didn’t know how.  He said that he was sorry.  Sorry for a lot of things.  But he told them that the one thing he could do, was tell them stories.  So, the children gathered around Santa’s chair and listened to tales of dogs and cats, beaches and baseball.  He old them about books and salad bars, of bottles of pop and water.  He told them about birds. He talked about families and doctors, contact lenses, and cars.  He told them about a lot of things and then he told the children to dream those things back into reality, if they could.  He told them to be better than past generations, more caring and thoughtful.  He told them to be kind.  He told them what went wrong.  He told them it might be too late.  He told them to love each other while they still could.  Then he smiled and sang Jingle Bells at the top of his damaged lungs.  The children joined in, and those who could, danced around, clapping and pounding their feet.

When the small fire burned down, and darkness started eating the light, the party ended, and everyone went back to wherever they were hiding.  Another Christmas was over.

Christmas is coming…that means scary Santa’s and strange gifts.

Nicholas, Children, Gifts, Christmas

It’s kind of strange to see kids get excited to get gifts from a weird guy in a red suit with a matching hat.  The above Santa is lacking a bit, when it comes to a bowl full of jelly.  If one looks at his levi’s and cowboy boots, one could only think that he actually rode a reindeer to this house.  I don’t think Santa had a pony tail either.  Still, the baby is hysterically happy and that’s what christmas is all about, right?  Personally, I hope he gives the baby the bear he has in his pocket.  I mean, it’s the right thing to do.  He’s a baby in a diaper, he should have a bear.

Hey, I’m just sayin’.

Letter to Santa…

Santa Claus, Red, Christmas, Santa

Dear Santa:

I’ve been naughty all my life, so you can skip my house again this year.  I’m never going to change and I have no regrets. Not a single one.  I can’t believe anyone would waste their time being good for a sweater or a pair of mittens.

Anyway, please remove my name from your list.  Thanking you in advance.

Sincerely,

Well, you know who, right?

Reindeer…

Finland, Reindeer, Browse, Deer, Wood

This is Max.  He’s building up his strength on his way to the tryouts, for Santa’s second team.  The second team of reindeer exist, in case one of the original reindeer comes down with a cold, or an injury.  It’s never happened but Santa thinks it better to be safe than sorry.

The second team shows up around the first of December.  They are wild reindeer and come from all over.  When they reach the North Pole, they stay in the barn behind Sant’s house and, happily, Ms Claus feeds them cookies everyday.  She bakes a lot.  You would too, if you lived there.

Meanwhile, the elves are working hard on the sleigh, adding a new GPS system and an insulated cup holder for Santa’s hot chocolate.  Everything is being polished and inspected for  damage, after last year’s trip.

During the day the new reindeer will practice flying and pulling a sleigh.  The Original Team will give them pointers and critique their performance.  It’s all done with goodwill and joy.

The elves don’t make as many wooden toys as they used to.  Several of them took electronic classes, so they could build the things today’s children want.  Once they blew a fuse and the entire North Pole went dark.  The elves fixed everything quickly, but they are still laughing about it.

FYI…reindeer love sugar cubes and while they aren’t good for them, please leave a few next to their carrots.  I mean it is christmas, after all.

The conversation…

“Hey, Santa.”

“Go away. I’m busy.”

“Busy doing what?”

“Making toys for good girls and boys,” he said, stirring his hot chocolate.

“Are there any?”

“Any what?” asked Santa, turning to look at the elf, who was dressed in green velvet.

“Any good girls and boys? We were talking about that in the toy room and we think all the good girls and boys are gone.  Now there are just children who want things but don’t care about them two minutes later.  Kids who just want cash, not toys or presents.  We don’t think what we do matters anymore.  There are no surprises left and no one is excited, or appreciates our work.”

“Saying that all the good girls and boys are gone is a sweeping generalization but I know what you mean and I understand how you feel.  Christmas used to be something special,” he said,  staring out the frosty window.  “No one knew what was going to be under the tree.  Children were so happy with whatever they found there.  In those days children did’t get everything they wanted every single day.  They had to wait for me to bring them toys and gifts.  Nowadays, everyone gets what they want immediately and they don’t even have to leave their house.”

“Amazon is the new Santa,” sighed the Elf.

“They deliver every day of the year.  I can’t compete with that,” said Santa, shaking his head.  “I fear that we have become obsolete, my friend.  Immediate gratification and quick deliveries have replaced us.”

“What will we do, Santa?”

“Care for the reindeer and eat cookies, I suppose. Become icons, symbols of what once was, memories of things past and lost.”

“Shall I tell the others?” asked the elf miserably.

“No, Sandy, wait until after Christmas, no need to break their hearts before then.”

 

 

Never gonna happen but still…

Collage (rerun)

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