Confessions of a newborn…

Newborn, Baby, Feet, Basket, Young

I swore I’d never come back to this place.  I promised myself not to do this but here I am AGAIN.  Can’t talk, walk, or even get to the bathroom.  I know how to do ALL of those things, having been here so many times.  But no, we start out the same way EVERY SINGLE TIME.

And all those people leaning over me and making faces, drive me insane.  No, I don’t look like my father, at least I hope I don’t.  Life’s hard enough without looking like him.  But, I suppose he’ll grow on me, like all the other parents I’ve had.  Well, except for John.  I hope that bastard is gone forever.

Did you see my toes?  How small can toes be?  Shouldn’t we grow faster than this?  Look at deer, horses, elephants, AND EVERYONE ELSE.  Their mother’s drop them on the grass, and they get up and start running in five minutes.   But NOT US, we are children for half of our lives, or so it seems.  I am an adult intelligence trapped in a newborn’s body and by the time I’ll be able to say anything I won’t REMEMBER ANYTHING.   Pathetic.

Why am I here again?  Must be because of a girl.  I probably promised one I’d come back with her.  Wait a second, OMG what if I’M A GIRL!  I know I was never the brightest crayon in the box but I couldn’t be that stupid, could I?

Did that lady just call me Carly?  Is that a boy’s name?  Tell me it’s a boy’s name.  I wasn’t even that nice to women, and I don’t EVER want to be treated the way they are.  Carly?  Why do they keep calling me that?  I want my old name back.  Frank is a nice masculine name.

WHAT?  I’m in America, home of the repressed and crazy people?  Could this life get any worse?  I’m going to hold my breath.  ———————- whaaaaaaaaa.  I can’t even move enough to kill myself.  I’d fall out of this stupid basket, IF I COULD TURN OVER!

This is a sick game.  Oh, look, there’s a unicorn.  WHAT DID I JUST SAY?  DID I JUST SAY UNICORN?

No, you fool, I’m not adorable.  Hahahahahahaha a teddy bear.  NOOOOOOOOO!  I’m fading already.  I thought I would have more time.

Why are you asking that?  OF COURSE I’M HUNGRY, BABIES ARE ALWAYS HUNGRY UNLESS THEY’RE ASLEEP, DON’T YOU KNOW ANYTHING?  And I’m only going to answer to Frank And I want my own car, a fifty-seven black Chevy, and I don’t care how much it costs, or where you get it.  I’m not going to wait until I get a driver’s license either. If I can stand I can drive.  I’ve been driving for more lifetimes than you’ve been alive.  I want fuzzy dice hanging on the rearview mirror too.

Oh, rats, I’m getting tired.  I hate this.  I’ve been awake for what?  An hour, max.  I’m getting older by the minute and I’ll forget more and more of who I am.

I guess I’ll suck on my hand for awhile and take a quick nap.  I’d love a bowl of vegetarian chili, but that’s probably out of the question.  I made the best chili.  Everyone loved my chili.

I hope I’m at least living in a city.  If I’m in the country, I’m crawling away immediately.  Maybe I can catch a ride on a cow or a sheep.  Maybe even a large goose.  It I tried to hitch a ride, I doubt anyone would pick me up and if they did, they’d probably bring me back here.  But I think I hear traffic, so I might be safe.

Great, they’re all celebrating ME with champagne.  Do I get any?  NO I do not.  I hate this, especially drooling allover myself.  How disgusting.  And NO, I’M NOT SMILING AT YOU, WHOEVER YOU ARE.  I’M SCREAMING AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS IN SILENT TERROR.

I wanted to go to one of the other planets, or even a different universe, ANYWHERE BUT HERE.

Oh, kitty, kitty.  I have a kitty.  She’s so soft and she’s laying down next to me.  She’s very cuddly.  She’s purring.  I’d try and pet her but I’d probably just hit myself in the face.  Another perk of being a newborn.  Lack of COORDINATION.  But if I have a cat, life can’t be too bad, can it?  She’s really warm and fuzzy.  I’m going to call her Buttercup, even if that’s not her name.  At least SHE doesn’t look like my father.  I think the younger lady who was looking at me, was my mother, but I’m not sure.  Maybe, I’ll think about that later.  Buttercup and I are going to…dream.  At least I won’t have to go to work, when I wake up.  No bills to pay either.

One more thing.  Don’t suck on a cat’s ear.  It’s icky. Really, don’t…even if the cat is really cute.  I just did it and it tasted awful.

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10 Responses to Confessions of a newborn…

  1. bwcarey says:

    it’s leaking again, at least it’s warm for five minutes, where is my butler gone, I need a change, haha, have a great weekend, amen

  2. Bulbul says:

    So cute! I can’t stop thinking that it might actually be true 😉

  3. Resa says:

    Hmm, I might try Jeep’s ear tonight.

  4. She’s clever. I was just outside playing with Em. She wanted lots of pets and she got them. 🙂 She sends purrs to J & J.

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