I’ve been around for a long time and to me…forgiveness is like having an elephant in the room that no one wants to talk about. People forgive others but they never forget what they forgave them for. Relationships are never the same. People act as if everything is fine when it’s not, or at least not as fine as it used to be. Trust has usually been broken and while you might be able to glue it back together, there’s always a crack and wondering if/when it will happen again.
Forgiveness is supposed to make people feel better, at least that’s what people go on and on about but I don’t see things that way. Here’s why:
I’ve seen people forgive the same person time and time again for doing the same thing over and over. It’s insane and forgiveness is meaningless. The person who needs forgiving couldn’t care less about the person s/he’s hurting, or that person would stop doing whatever s/he’s doing. The person doing the forgiving is delusional, crazy, or just can’t afford to move on, but that person must know that s/he’s being played, and if there isn’t resentment, the person doesn’t have the least bit of resect for her/himself. Those are the people other people talk about behind their backs because they think they’re pathetic. Even strangers will tell you…”Oh, see that one, he’s done whatever, over and over and she keeps taking him back. It’s really sad but.” I’ve heard things like that time and time again about women staying with men who abuse them.
There are those who use forgiveness as a weapon to control or hurt the person they said they forgave. I’ve seen people make another person’s life a living hell, because that person was forgiven and now owes the one who did the forgiving, the rest of her/his life. That’s when the person who did the deed needs to leave.
There are the suffering forgivers, as well. The brave people who are so wonderful and generous and kind that they can forgive anything, but their lip trembles and they expect people to look at them with sympathy or to at least understand what a big heart they have. Martyrs.
There are those who forgive but hold on to their fury. Usually, everyone agrees to move away from each other before there is an explosion.
There are other ways of forgiving, those that need payment, proof, and other forms of penitence, but I’ve never met one person who got away clean. When things break, they stay broken, crazy glue or not.
But here’s the thing. It seems to me that the majority of people think that forgiveness is a good thing. They talk about NOT holding onto “negative” feelings but to forgive instead, wrongly believing that FEELINGS of anger, resentment and fury, will ruin a person’s life, or make them sick, when the exact opposite is true.
Those people don’t understand forgiveness and they don’t know how to deal with their feelings in a way that will make them stronger. Everyone I’ve met, who does the forgiveness thing, is pretending on some level. The’ll bring up whatever it was that was done, every now and then, shake their heads, cry, or just press their lips together. They actually haven’t dealt with anything and forgiveness may have even made them more unhappy because they really didn’t mean it, but thought it was the right thing to do.
Telling someone who did something horrible to you that you will never forget, and you won’t forgive either, but you’ll try to muck around and get through whatever hateful thing that was done as long as no one holds their breath and expects things to work out. You can say that you’re pissed off, furious, and that you despise what was done and the person who did it, and that’s all good stuff to say if it’s true and you’re getting it out of your system. Yay. From there you can work things out in an honest way, or not.
Look, there are BOOKS, telling women to stop apologizing. Men don’t have books like that. WOMEN are conditioned, brainwashed and forced to ACCEPT WHAT IS DONE TO THEM WITH A SMILE, TO NOT RAISE THEIR VOICES, AND TO APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT WAS DONE TO THEM BY SOMEONE ELSE. FORGIVENESS falls into this same category.
MEN RARELY NEED TO FORGIVE WOMEN FOR ANYTHING, Certainly not for throwing acid on them, beating them or raping them. MEN aren’t taught to apologize to women. They don’t have to, since WOMEN ARE BLAMED FOR WHAT MEN DO TO THEM.
I am SO sick of women forgiving everyone and then rotting from the inside because they are furious and even angry with themselves for giving in. Plus OTHER WOMEN ENCOURAGE WOMEN TO DO THOSE THINGS. They teach their DAUGHTERS TO BE DOORMATS and then we wonder why there’s no equality.
Here’s the thing. I didn’t raise my daughter to be that way. Some guy grabbed her and she took off her shoe and beat him with it. Another guy hit on her and she walked over to his girlfriend and told her what he did. She thinks women should do that for each other and not be flattered or protect the male. She doesn’t take anything from anyone…I never wanted her to be like all the other miserable women I’ve known in my life. I taught her to be tough and not take any crap from anyone…and she doesn’t. She’s a role model for others. Neither one of us understands why women are constantly being weak and giving in. We know we’re important enough to deserve respect and if we don’t get it, we’re gone. How bloody hard can that be?
Be strong enough to dance with your anger and rage. Let whoever it is KNOW THAT YOU WON’T TAKE what they’re giving, or else you may as well expect more of the same, for the rest of your life. People who are giving can be seen a mile away. It’s like thieves looking for the weakest in the herd. They watch the way you walk and if you’re miserable or slow, you end up being the target. Same thing for the givers and forgivers and sad women who just can’t stop being saintly. Why would anyone stop using them?
Seriously, I look at women and wonder what’s wrong with them that they allow themselves to be treated the way they are. Not forgiving doesn’t stick in your throat, but trying to keep all the hurt and resentment down, does. THAT’S THE STUFF THAT MAKES YOU SICK…forgiving is what makes women sick. Think about it.
If you’re a woman, stand the hell up and be counted. You came from warriors and witches and women who fought to get us the vote. BE BRAVE and stop backing down and for Goddess Sake USE YOUR OUTSIDE VOICE and stop apologizing and being nice. You deserve more and women will NEVER be equal unless we stop taking abuse from men.
The ELEPHANT is always there.
WOMEN have been taught to shut up. That’s the way men want us. Silent. Don’t do that.
Hey, I’m just sayin’.
As always, this is my personal opinion based on years of personal research, which consisted of watching people everywhere.
Post script: When I was teaching a high school class, one of the girls said that she stayed in all night waiting for her boyfriend to call. He didn’t call, because he was out with his friends. So, I asked her why she didn’t go out with her friends and make him wonder why she didn’t answer the phone, if he had called? I said the way to keep him interested was to not be interested and let him know you won’t stay home for anyone and he’s lucky to even be able to talk to you on the phone at all. The kids went crazy, the boys started yelling, “DON’T TELL THE GIRLS THAT,” and everyone was laughing. I said boys could do whatever they wanted to do while girls sat home and WAIT FOR THEIR ATTENTION. I told the GIRLS to go out every night and let the boys sit home and wait for them to call. There was a lot of groaning but the girls had been brainwashed to do those stupid thing. How insane. Sit home and wait for a guy to call. Not a chance.