Okay, so…love

I don’t understand why people look for love.  To me it’s just something you bump into by accident, so I’m not clear on what everyone is looking for.  How would you describe love, what does it look like, feel like?  Where do you look for it?  I think it’s just something you know when it’s in front of you but that’s just my take on it because that’s how I knew it was there.  I never looked for it, it walked in and said hello.   Truthfully, I can’t imagine wasting time looking for something that can just happens but again, that’s just me.

I don’t understand why so many people want their parents to love them.  Seriously, who cares?  They either love you the way you are or they don’t.  I’ve seen people waste their entire lives trying to get their mother, father, or both, to love them, approve of them, or say some magic words to them that they think will make them happy and make their lives complete.  Even when their parent/s die, they still have regrets that it never happened.  Really?  Why?  See, that’s another thing I don’t get.  Parents aren’t looking for our approval and we shouldn’t be looking for the approval of anyone but ourselves, since we are the ones living our own lives.  If someone loves you and applauds that’s great, I guess, but it’s certainly not essential. THAT’S  what being a grownup means.  Standing on your own two feet.  A lot of parents withhold love just to get their children to do what they want them to do…it’s called manipulation and they use it no matter what age their kids are. But again, that’s just my POV based on what I have seen during my lifetime.  I had a best friend who wanted her mother to love her and say something nice to her.  You only had to meet the woman for two seconds and you could see that that was never going to happen. My friend did EVERYTHING she could to get what she wanted from the woman but her mom finally died and never said what my friend wanted to hear.  If she lived to be three hundred years old she never would have been nice to my friend.  I don’t know why it mattered.  I kept asking her why she cared and she never knew.  What a waste of time. Seriously.  To be jerked around by feelings that are so misplaced and useless…I don’t get it. Just do not get it.

Not everyone deserves to be loved and before you say yes, in fact, every single person does deserve to be loved, let me explain.  I’ve watched people ruin their lives loving people who were evil and hateful.  All those years they spent loving those people didn’t make the people change in the least.  The people who loved the evil ones lived miserable lives, full of unhappiness and despair, while lavishing love on those who didn’t want it or deserve it. Not everyone responds to love and to keep on loving someone like that is insane.  It doesn’t make them good people, it makes them people who can’t face the truth. My father was a selfish and nasty to everyone I loved.  I didn’t love him.  Why would I?  My mother wasted her entire life loving him and he never stopped cheating on her.  He was disgusting and unloveable, as far as I was concerned.  What I learned from my mother was that some people are crazy enough to put up with the garbage other people give them and then they call it a marriage. My mom cared and all it brought her was grief.  I never wanted that kind of life.  I learned a lot from my parents.  We all learn a lot from our parents.  Our kids learn from us.  Not everyone is lovable and not everyone deserves to be loved.  That’s what I saw and that’s what I learned.  You may have learned different lessons, since you had different lives.  That’s how it works.

I also learned that someone who is unlovable to others can be lovable to you.  My uncle was good to me. He loved me.  I loved him and I loved my aunt.  I didn’t know my cousins didn’t like him.  I didn’t know he treated me better than he treated them.  I didn’t know he was an alcoholic but when I found out that he was, I went to a couple of meetings with him.  I loved him to the end of his life.  No one told me he was different than the person I knew.  They didn’t want me to know. All these years later, I’m still shocked by that…they didn’t want me to know.  They kept that secret from me for his entire life.  How could they do that?  Why did they do that?  Anyway, he took me horseback riding every weekend (with my cousins).  He bought me a dog when I was young and he was never anything but kind.  When I grew up he bought my infant son a pony and cowboy boots.  He smiled at me all the time and took me to lunch.  He was one of the nicest men I knew.  I didn’t know what to do when I found out he was two different people?  So, I thought about everything and decided there was nothing I could do about any of it and there weren’t any answers that I could see so, I just let it go and got on with it.  He was so good with horses and I loved that.  He taught me how to ride (English).  He taught me a lot and he never raised his voice, not once.  I still don’t know how he treated my cousins.  I never asked.  My dad was nice to other people and my brother-in-law is exactly the same way.  Mean to those who know them but nice to everyone else.  It must be a type, or category of some kind.

I’ve seen way too many people taken advantage because of love.  Usually women.  They just keep on giving and men just keep abusing and taking.   Never going to happen in my life, I can tell you that.  I just watched all of them…all those years…thinking how stupid women were to stay with men when they never gave them anything worthwhile.  Except for different aunt and uncle, on my mom’s side, I don’t remember seeing any happy people while growing up.  Not in my neighborhood, not at gatherings, not anywhere.  People just got through life the best they could.  I knew I never wanted to be like those people.  I was not going to be miserable, so I made different choices.  I knew I was enough and that I would never need anyone, never accept cruelty or unhappiness and that’s exactly what I did.  I look back on the lives of the women in my family and all I see is one nightmare after another.  How could they have stood it?   How could they have gotten up day after day and looked at those horrible men and known that they would be there the next day and the one after that?  I understand that money plays a huge part in whether or not women can leave, but I just saw women love men who treated them like they were nothing.  I still want to scream at them, but it didn’t do any good when they were alive, so I doubt whether they’ll listen to me now.  I couldn’t make them understand that there was another way to live.  I tied.  They just stared at me.  I don’t know what was wrong with them.  Horrible, wasted lives, everyone of them.  Anyway, they are all dead, men and women alike, so nothing to be done about it.

So, here are my three keys to happiness and a truly good life.  My life has been fabulous in every way, if you don’t count everyone dying and that was out of my control.

The keys to happiness:  1) You have to be able to walk away from anyone, at anytime and never look back.  That applies to everyone.  It’s the only way to have a life that doesn’t crush you a little at a time.  2) Never care what anyone else thinks about your life and your choices.  Own your own life and live it your own way.  3)  Never settle for less than you want or that’s exactly what you’ll end up with…less.

 

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