Stream of consciousness…

So I’m waiting for Amazon to deliver a couple of books by my favorite authors two of them at least and it’s going on 4:00 and I keep looking on the porch but nada so I’m trying to distract myself by eating semi-sweet chocolate chips out of the bag and I keep telling myself that eating the entire bag is okay because they are mini’s after all and that makes them non-fatting and then I started thinking about how there are two kinds of people those who cry and those who don’t and I don’t cry and neither does my daughter and I don’t know if that’s because I made her a non cryer or because she just is one and no one will ever know the answer to that because some things are simply unknowable and we know that because most of the things we want to know are pretty much unknowable because the answers are WITHHELD from us by evil overseers or being who are just plain mean anyway my granddaughter who was never a cryer has started to cry and she’s really old now so yeah we don’t like it and when she cries we just stare at her as if she has grown another head or sprouted horns and we ask her why she’s crying because the only excuse for tears is the death of someone you love be it a person or cat or any animal you love so if everyone is still alive there is no reason for tears and they are completely unacceptable and we don’t really have sympathy for her because we can’t understand why she’s crying if no one is dead so when Deb calls me and tells me the kid is crying again she just sighs and wants her to stop and just tell her what’s wrong cuz crying cuts off the conversation dead in it’s tracks and when my granddaughter called a few days ago sobbing hysterically I asked her if she could drive and when she said yes I told her to come over  right away which she did and then we talked and tried to figure out what was wrong with her and when she cried I just looked at her because as I said crying is abnormal where I come from and I really don’t want to encourage it so I just kept talking until she got a grip and that might sound mean or cold but hey you can’t fight back if you’re crying and one always has to be ready to attack or defend oneself and that’s the way life is and crying for some of us shows weakness and that is also unacceptable in our family and I realize that few people are like this but when you’re up against the world you can never show weakness or fear even when someone is dead and you can’t cry and tears don’t manipulate us or make us feel sorry for her we just want her to stop and tell us what’s going on and yes I hugged her a lot when she wasn’t crying or yelling but not while she was crying because I don’t want to reinforce that kind of thing and she never used to do it so rather than punch her in the arm I just kept listening and waiting for her to get to the point which she did and then we got on with it and she and I are alike in a lot of ways both of us want to pull into a parking lot and wait for the slow drivers to go away so we don’t rear end them and push them into a tree and we laugh about that but when you’re on a one lane street that kind of thing can make you want to act out but other than that the whole crying thing is a waste of time and whether that’s nasty or not that’s the way it is and we expect the kids to be stronger than that and not be weeping because after all you can feel really bad and use anger to get over it instead of letting life take another chunk out of you and that’s a better coping mechanism than tears any day at least for us so I’m waiting for the books an I’m reading two books right now and I’m not crazy about either one of them although one is better than the other because the woman in one is so weak that I want to tear the pages out of the book because she does everything she’s told to do and never stands up for herself and she’s blah, not someone I would EVER want to know but I know there’s going to be a breakthrough because she’s on the edge and it doesn’t matter how old you are you can still get a life and I bought the book because the Eiffel Tower was on the cover but so far she’s in Chicago and not in Paris so that’s another thing but I’m positive that she will find herself in Paris so that’s why I have not abandoned the book entirely and the other one is about a guy who hangs himself in a bookstore and I’ll read almost anything that takes place in a bookstore so that’s why I bought that one even though the backstory is about one of the women who works in the shop and the terrible murders she saw as a child which takes me out of the bookstore for far too long and that’s why I keep putting both of those books down but having said that one of them is on my Kindle so I’ll read the bookstore book while I’m on the treadmill because I can’t read paper books while I’m on the thing without wanting to barf and that’s not something I want to do so the two books by the authors I like will cheer me up and I’m also getting two movies and a new phone cover while people are hungry and don’t have food and yes I think about that all the time I mean how can I not think about it and I want to go downtown and to the Botanic Garden next week after I go to the dreaded DMV but I have to see what’s going on and how the weather is and if I can finish a book a day otherwise I’ll probably just read and write stories because if I write the things I’m thinking about I don’t have to carry them around with me and there’s room for the other stories to spread out so those are a couple of things I’m currently thinking about and now I’m going to see if my books have arrived and by the way Jesse made absolutely gorgeous pottery for me and I’ll take pictures of it and show you because she just keeps getting better and better which is expected of course and I love her stuff and she is like a ray of sunshine when she is working and talking about her art because after all art really is life and I understand her while my daughter is way more uh practical and orderly and in control if you know what I mean

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4 Responses to Stream of consciousness…

  1. Resa says:

    Last time I cried, my cat Pupkin died, before that, my mom.
    Well, if you want to read a book that you will love try Nellie McClung’s autobiography!
    I have managed to get my hands on unabridged editions from the 1940’s, but in 2002 it was edited by 2 women, and is now available on Amazon. … Written in 2 volumes by Nellie, A Clearing In The West and The Stream Runs Fast, both are available now in 1 book.
    She was pivotal in getting the vote for women in 1916 in Manitoba, Canada, and 2 years later in 1918 women had the federal vote in Canada. That was 2 years before women in America got the vote.
    She was & still is a powerhouse. Because of her & her gals, women were proclaimed “persons” in the BNA, (now usurped by our Canadian Constitution)
    Can you imagine…. we were not even entitled to be called “persons” only men were.
    She was a pioneer, and not just in politics. I mean she and her family were pioneers.
    Oh, and she was burned in effigy for her efforts.

    • She was the fabulous woman in your street art post. I will check out the book. Thank you for the recommendation. Yes, we still aren’t “persons” to some men and I doubt that we ever will be.

  2. wowzers lady that is a busy head 🙂

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