There are so many things that fall under, “NO DO-OVERS.” That means that no matter what we did, no matter when we did it, we can never take it back, we can never make it better, we can never change what was. That’s a big thing. So big, it’s hard to imagine until it happens and then, it’s too late. But there’s nothing to be done about it. We rarely, if ever, think about the true meaning of our words, or actions, and once they are set free, we can’t take them back.
Things like this can cause personal life-long suffering. Things we can’t believe we did, or said, happened and we often don’t even know why. Impossible to explain to ourselves, we can be left shaking our heads and wondering what happened, even years and years later.
It’s hard to forgive ourselves for those things. Maybe it’s even impossible. Seems as if we should be able to just tell ourselves that we did what we thought was right…AT THE TIME…and while that is the absolute truth, we still can’t believe we did what we did, or said what we said.
For some people things like this never happen. For others it just happens once. I don’t know what people do when they have a lot of moments like this. It can be a heavy load to carry. Even with the best intentions, things get screwed up and can’t be fixed.
There are people who can let things go and just shrug it off. Some of us can do that most of the time but then, when we least expect it, the memory comes back and stops us dead in our tracks. “How could I have done that? What was I thinking?”
I believe it’s true that there is no hell because we are harder on ourselves than anyone else could be. At least it’s true for some. I don’t believe in heaven or hell anyway. I believe in revenge, but that’s a story for another time. We all have to believe in something, right?
I heard someone say that the only thing he hoped for when he died was to not have to think about all the stupid things he did when he was alive. Other people have said they hoped it wasn’t just more of the same. Life is messy. Play hard while you’re here and just keep telling yourself that it’s all a dream. Not a nightmare, just a nice dream, you know, the kind with unicorns and rainbows. That kind of dream.