Okay, so…

Am I the only one who thinks automated voices are evil and sent from demons on the planet we hate humans and want to make them go insane?  Maybe it’s just me.  My computer kept telling me I wasn’t connected to the internet.  I turned it off a million times, okay maybe three times, but still…and then I called COMCAST.  ”

OMG!  NO I DON’T WANT YOU TO REDO A PASSWORD I DON’T EVEN KNOW, I JUST WANT TO SPEAK TO A PERSON, A HUMAN BEING, A PERSON, A PERSON, A PERSON…”  I YELLED.

“Let’s try that again…Press one for calming drugs, press two if you now feel suicidal, press three…”

“PLEASE LET ME SPEAK TO A PERSON, A PERSON, A PERSON.”

“You can go on line…”

“NO I CAN’T GO ON LINE BECAUSE I DON’T HAVE INTERNET SERVICE YOU TERRIBLE ROBOT.”

“Your internet doesn’t seem to be working,”

“OMG!!!!”

“Let me connect you with a person and the wait will only be four hundred hours, or you can press two and we can call you back within two or three years.”

“Hello, my name is Christian.”

The first thing I did was give him my phone number and make him promise, on the life of his first born, that if we got disconnected he would call me back.  After an hour in, we got disconnected and he called me back.  He was fantastic, patient, kind, sweet and he tried to calm me down from the automatic voice that kept repeating itself in my head.  Anyway, he told me to unscrew the gray, or blue, wire on the back of the modem.  I asked him what a modem was and I can only assume that the other people in the room had to take the rest of the calls for the evening, since he probably gave them a hand sign, signaling that I didn’t know what a modem was.  I know what it is NOW and I unscrewed things and unplugged things and then put them back and told him the top light was on and two were flickering, counting down from the top light, that would be light three and four.  He stayed on the line and if he was a religious man, I bet he was praying to some god or Goddess.

When we were finally finished, I make him promise to call me at 10:15, before his shift was over to check on me.  He said he would and I believe him.  I asked to talk to his supervisor and gave him so many compliments that the man probably thinks I’m his mother, well except for the accent, that would be a tell for sure.  I told the supervisor I hated the automated voices that didn’t listen and couldn’t let anyone talk to a person until the caller wanted to leap from a tall building.  He actually agreed with me and said he doesn’t like it either and hates to call places that make him do it.

So, if I don’t show up on your Readers, well, you know why.

This isn’t the way I expected my night to go but I don’t think Christian expected his night to go this way either.  You know those aren’t computer generated voices but real people who just love to screw with other humans.  They could connect us to a person immediately, and they know what we are asking for, it’s just that they are nasty off world strange beings who think what they do to is is fun.

By the way, a modem is a box with lights running down the front and things plugged into the back.   You can unscrew and unplug those things and, sometimes, when you put them all back,  ta da…there is internet service.  Sure, Christian did a lot of things on his end, but I feel as if I just made it through a bloody skirmish and came out ahead.

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