This is soooooooo true…even if the strict parents don’t want to believe it :)

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Picture from:  Pinterest

I was a truly wild child but the Minister’s kids and the Catholic girls, in their uniforms, were so over the top it wasn’t funny.   Their parents never knew a thing.  LOL  They were so much fun to hang around with.  LOLOLOL  OMG the stories I could tell.  Even my Catholic cousin, who refused to let her kid wear make up, believed that she wouldn’t disobey.  Her kid put it on when she left the house and took it off before she came home.  I still don’t think my cousin knows that her daughter did that.  Parents make their kids lie when they won’t let them tell them the truth and be okay with it.

You can NEVER punish  kids when they tell you the truth.  NEVER.  If you punish them they will never trust you again.  You have to listen, understand, give your opinion, or advice in an understanding way and let them decided what to do. If they are in trouble you ALWAYS stick up for them.  ALWAYS.  No matter what.  ALWAYS stick up for your kids.  Every single time. EVERY SINGLE TIME.

I told my kids never to lie to me.  I told them they would never be punished for anything they did or said.  Sometimes, I was sorry about that.  LOLOLOL  Way too much information, way too much.  But they always felt they could tell me anything and that never changed, even as adults.  They never had to hide anything from me because I always supported whatever they were into, even if it scared me.  I always stuck up for them, to their teachers, the police and anyone else who needed standing up to.  I NEVER sided with the authority figures.  All I had to do was remember what I did at their age.  🙂  I lived in the city and believe me, what they were doing was tame in comparison.  My parents never knew a single thing about what was I was doing.

I was always amazed when parents told me about their kids…kids I knew.  It’s as if they lived in Disneyland and their kids were part of their fantasy.   Kids used to come to our house and tell me things because they couldn’t tell their own parents.  I actually went to school to get them out of trouble, trouble their parents never even knew about.  That wouldn’t work today, of course.  Not with the police state we live in.  Kids were always at our house, always telling me things and asking questions…all the things they couldn’t do in their own houses.

The thing is…parents drive their kids away with their unrealistic expectations.  Kids are afraid of disappointing their parents, or they are afraid of getting punished. So they lie, don’t say anything, sneak around and do what they have to do to fit in and have the life they want to have.  It’s not their fault…it’s their parent’s fault for not setting up a safe place where their kids  can come for help without guilt or punishment.  Strict parents are usually surprised when their kids get into trouble.  That’s so amazing to me.

Rules (not talking about what time they have to be home) and punishment are a wall between parents and their children.  Parents can tell their children what they would like and what they expect but they have to be open to what is actually going on in the lives of their children and accept, without judgement or punishment, the things they say and the things they do.  By doing that you are not saying that the things your kids do are okay, you’re saying that you love them and that they can come to you anytime with anything.   That way you have an open line of communication and can help them when they need it.  They won’t have to lie or go somewhere else for help and cut you out of their lives.

People believe what they want to believe.  A lot of parents have no idea what their kids are really doing.  They don’t want to know, that’s why they set up the rules in the first place.  They believe they are giving their children standards to live by but what they are actually doing is shutting the door in their faces.  Because life is what it is and kids are what they are and each generation is not like the last one and kids will do whatever it takes to fit in.  Parents should know, or remember, that and let their kids tell them the truth instead of pretending that everything is just fine.  Hey, I’m just sayin’.

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14 Responses to This is soooooooo true…even if the strict parents don’t want to believe it :)

  1. Yahooey says:

    Almost every preacher’s daughter I ever knew had a pair of jeans in their bag. 🙂

    I always use my teenage years as reference point and a house rule my grandfather, learned from my mother, had for his children. The rule was “last in on Saturday night, makes Sunday breakfast.” All about learning responsibility. My mother’s version was: “Don’t expect my help if you get an STD, a girl pregnant or in trouble with drugs.” I didn’t believe her but I understood the message.

    • LOLOLOLOL So funny. You know she would have helped you:) I like them. They remembered what it was like to be kids. And yes…the religious kids always had stuff hidden everywhere…cigarettes, clothes make up, and on and on. They became great as hiding things from their parents. My friends would roll up their plaid shirts until they couldn’t bend over and tie their white blouses in front. Red lipstick and do weird things with their hair. They were doing everything we felt we didn’t need to do because we didn’t have all that repression in the first place. They were crazy and when they went home, after a day or night out, they looked like good little girls. So funny and parents are soooooo out of the loop, so much of the time.

      I taught the “bad” kids in a “bad” high school for a short time (not bad at all, not even a little, by the way) and the things the kids would tell me. The things they wanted to know that they could ask their parents. So sad that parents think they are providing their children with morals and high standards when their kids are actually floundering and just need someone to listen to them and help them and the last people they can turn to is their parents. Really sad.

      • Yahooey says:

        It is very sad. I get horror stories from my youngest daughter about how some parents have embraced technology with mobile phones becoming electronic leashes. Asking for real time results from tests (I had to pick my jaw from the floor when I heard that one).

        Funny how little you hear about kids that become more than just sneaky kids because of this. Instead you get a lot of moralizing about kids that aren’t brought up correctly and it’s always the fault of bad influences when their kids go wrong. I don’t know of any kids that are dragged into friendships with the “wrong” crowd.

  2. Wow, I haven’t hear of that nightmare. “Brought up correctly,” is such a loaded term. Everyone has a different idea of what that MEANS. And terrible parents can have great kids. Parents take credit when their kids are good and blame someone else when they aren’t. LOLOLOL You’re right. The “wrong” crowd can be very attractive. Kids, who are often lost find a home there. The wrong crowd can also be kids that society has turned their back on. The kids I worked with were brilliant and creative and wild but they were excited and outgoing and learned fast and in different ways so they were labeled troublemakers and dangerous. I loved them. They had terrible attitudes to protect themselves. Once they realized that I didn’t care about their attitude they dropped them and were just a bunch of kids who came from violent homes, kids who had a tremendous amount of responsibility that made school seem like child’s play, kids who had jobs to help support the family and kids who were tired and learned in a lot of different ways. Fabulous kids, really, way better than the honor students who I found dull and sheep like, always trying to please everyone. I think the bad guys in charge of the status quo know the “bad” kids could kick their ass on every imaginable level possible, brilliant, fast, risk taking, no excused, kind of kids who could run the world. That’s why they are labeled DANGEROUS AND OUT OF CONTROL…see that’s the thing…It’s always about control. The establishment can’t control them, so they devalue them and don’t give them a chance to become what they can be. They end up forcing them to drop out and never fulfill their potential for a reason. They are afraid of them.

    Yes, I believe their truly are bad groups that want to ensnare kids and end up killing them with heroin and/or getting them to steal, etc. But a lot of kids labeled “bad” aren’t bad at all, they are actually better than most.

  3. SwittersB says:

    Of course, living in Chicago you perhaps see the outcome of no supervision?

    • It’s not lack of supervision, certain kids are targeted and labeled. The kids can’t stop it from happening. So many kids have such rough lives. Really bad. Watching their mothers being beaten, getting beaten themselves when they try to help, or just in general. Being raped by family members, caring for younger siblings, exhaustion from working and going to school. Helping their parents. Being poor, sometimes hungry. They act out because they are frustrated and locked into a system they didn’t make. It’s evil and cruel. Boys get picked on by certain teachers who absolutely hate them and make no effort to hide it. Girls are always at risk. Kids who don’t come from poor homes can still come from violent ones. No one seems to consider what kids go through before they are expected so sit down, shut up and do as they are told. Some of them are ready to explode, some have given up and quit trying because they don’t see any way out. It’s pathetic on the part of adults. Teachers are sometimes dangerous. Kids have no where to turn so they get mouthy and have an attitude because that hides their fear and sense of desperation. It makes them tough so they don’t care if we won’t let them have a future. I don’t blame them. Not at all. We don’t help them we crush them because they DON’T FIT INTO THE NEAT LITTLE BOX WE MADE FOR EVERYONE.

      I had an Honors Student teacher tell me that she hated my kids. She said she would quite teaching if she had to teach them. I told her her kids were boring beyond belief and dull as bricks and had no creativity because they were too busy trying to make everyone like them (hence the love of the “good,” child/student…they are easily controlled). I told her that her honor students didn’t know how to fight back or think for themselves. I taught one Honors class and it was like being in a morgue and they BELIEVE EVERYTHING THEY ARE TOLD. I had to show them an outdated movie with no women and stupid men in lab coats doing things. When it was over I waited for them to say something. Zero response. I started asking questions, pointing out the sexism, the lies, the inconsistencies and they didn’t know what to do. Horrifying.

      The “bad” kids would have all been joining in, throwing ideas around, drawing and fighting to be heard. The bad kids were not shown any movies. I brought movies in myself. We need both kinds of kids, we need everyone but that’s not going to happen if the system isn’t changed. The bad kids are thrown away if they don’t toe the line. They can’t even SEE the line. They live in a difficult world that we need to recognize. We ask them to do stupid things, fill in a box with an x or memorize a few lines and when they leave school, they go to work for five hours, go home, take care of their siblings, try and help or defend their parent/s and have real ADULT responsibilities that make the things they are expected to do in school seem insane. Those things need to be taken into consideration. Not all kinds are upper middle class and even then, if they don’t fit into the mould they are discarded or labeled. Makes me sick.

      I’m sure a lot of schools are very good and do the right thing but the system is broken and antiquated. I haven’t taught for a really long time. Things may be better now but I don’t know. What I do know is that the bad kids responded to kindness, trust and understanding immediately.

      Conformity is death. But it makes nice sheep.

      The schools are constantly adding more testing which is a huge waste of time and money and is absolutely insane. Testing only proves that some kids can take tests and some can’t. They should just ask the kids if they are good at testing or not and then they won’t waste anyone’s time taking them.

      A couple months ago, when I was in the check out line at the grocery store, the checker asked me if I saw the girl who just left. I said I did and she told me that the girl just held out her hand and said take whatever you need because she’s in high school and she doesn’t know how to make change. She said that one of the girls working there had to be taken off the register because she was unable to understand what quarters are. My 17 year old grandson was amazed when Debbie showed him how to actually make change by count backward from the amount. He couldn’t believe how easy it was and he’s in all honors classes and brilliant in math. They keep screwing around with teaching math and it’s making kids unable to function. At one point, a few years ago, kids had to make piles of tens all the time. None of them could give change because they didn’t know how to count unless they could make piles of ten. OMG! Now they are doing something new and everyone hates it.

      When I first went to college I had a blast but hated school. They wanted me to take all kinds of useless classes that I had absolutely no interest in at all. I was excited about so many things that they withheld and would not allow me to learn. So I quit. Years later, after I had our kids, I went back and kind of took what I wanted to take. I got straight A’s and was INVITED to get a Master’s. I got an academic scholarship for my Bachelor’s and Masters. We need to let people learn what they want to learn, not what we want to teach them. That’s how you get people to love what they do. That’s how you get people who are brilliant and interested in learning. Instead we make kids despise reading and hate school in general because of the terrible and uninteresting classes they are FORCED to take for no real reason at all. It’s a new age and education, in many instances, has fallen so far behind in understand what is needed that they are just crawling out of the ocean. We are producing more people to join the heard and specifically stopping the clever and creative kids from becoming a part of society because the establishment is terrified of them.

      Not only that but a lot of kids are smart enough to already have their own businesses and they still have to sit through boring classes when they should be teaching them.

      The kids aren’t the problem. We are.

      • SwittersB says:

        Murder is murder…..when will the excuses stop after billions spent to fix what Nanny has caused….enough excuses…sorry my parents came from poverty beyond your imagination….they kept some semblance of dignity, morals, strength…I am fed up with excuses….don’t you see the cause of this decay? The Great Society has failed!!!! Sorry just plain done, fed up, pissed off

      • I think manners, doing the right thing and having dignity holds a society together. I feel that those things are falling by the wayside more and more. Children used to be another person in the family…everyone knew their place and what was expected of them. Children did not run the show, they fit in. It’s not like that any more. Life has changed dramatically, not only since I was a kid, but since my kids were kids. I think institutions can’t keep up or change fast enough to stay current. My generation was shocking to my parents, then there seemed to be a leveling off when my kids were growing up. This generation is very different and once parents stepped back and let the kids run the show, well, some of them don’t seem to know where the brakes are. As a society, all we scan do is wait and see what happens. It seems as if we are failing sometimes but my parents generation felt that way too (maybe they were right, I don’t know). Can’t see the whole picture. I think every generation thinks the next one is weird. I remember my mom telling me that when she and my father were dating she asked him if he would give her the money he would spend on the movie so she could feed her dog. They were poor too.

  4. The latest studies that have come out have shown that those with helicopter parents do not do so well in life. Those children whose parents are open minded and supported do better at coping with what life throws at them. I have a great relationship with my children. They have been surprised at my reaction to something that they have done or said – I keep saying that they are adults now and who am I to condemn their choices and decisions – they have to live with that, not me.

    • That’s true, it’s their life. Our job is to keep them alive and try to show them how to make decisions that will benefit them in the long run. After that, it’s trial and error. It can’t be any other way. We can always be there for them but they have to make their own mistakes or they never grow up. Most srict parents are deluded if they think their kids do what they are told.

  5. Parents don’t always do what their kids want either. 😉

    • It’s hard raising kids today. The relationship between parent and child has changed dramatically. The internet, etc., exposes children to things they never used to see, at a much younger age. They have more power now, than ever before. Some parents are afraid of their kids, afraid to parent because discipline can hurt their delicate psyche, so lots of kids are brats and out of control. A lot is going on right now. Drugs are more available and even legal, education doesn’t mean what it used to, definitely doesn’t guarantee a student a job. Jobs are hard to get and earning enough to support themselves is very hard to do. Lots of things are changing but pretending that your kids aren’t doing what everyone else is doing is silly. Some kids will always fall outside the norm but today, lots of kids listen to their parents less and less. Part of that is because society is changing so fast and the things their parents believe or even say is dated and doesn’t make sense to them. But strict parents have always been the same. They live in a fantasy and believe what they want to believe.

  6. I read a book by a pediatrician (can’t remember what it was or who wrote it…long time ago) and he said that parents were losing their confidence because they were listening to all the “expert” who were writing books telling them they didn’t know how to do anything. All of the experts had different ideas and made parents feel that they were incompetent. He went on about how the experts were destroying the common sense that parents always had and that the “experts” were making money by selling books that made parents want to check everything before they made a move. I think he was right to a certain extent.

    We just had kids and raised them. There were no experts, no one to tell us we were crushing their spirits by saying, “No.” So I believe the experts ($$$$$) are causing a lot of problems right from the beginning and it is worth a lot to them to keep people off balance and insecure.

    I don’t know if this is the reason but it’s part of it for sure.

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