Art and the philosophy of life

It was a beautiful sunny day in my safe, suburban neighborhood.  I was a freshman in high school.  It was lunch time and I was with a large group of kids, across the street from our high school.  We were hanging out, like we always did, behind the restaurant, next to a busy 7-11.  We were all enjoying the beautiful weather, laughing and talking, when one of the boys whispered to another one and suddenly I was thrown into the air by three boys.   Two of them grabbed my arms and the third one, the instigator, grabbed my legs.  I had known these boys since first grade so I laughed and asked them to put me down, thinking they were playing around.   But I was wrong.  They weren’t playing, they were trying to rape me.

I watched as all the other kids, ten or more, walked quietly away.  The three boys, Danny, Mark and Pete, laid me down on an open old sleeper sofa, with just the springs exposed.  Some of the kids had dragged it back there so they would have something to sit on while they ate lunch.   Danny climbed on top of me and Pete and Mark each held, well actually pulled, on my arms like a rope.  I knew I was in trouble.   I was pulled spread eagle by the two boys and had another boy sitting over my hips.  I didn’t have much to fight with but when I realized what they were doing I was so angry that my fight reflexes kicked in and I began fighting back, bucking over and over again, while swearing, fuck you, you piece of crap,  you god dam mother fuckers and screaming at them.  I told them I was going to kill them.   The whole time Danny was busy removing my top and bra, I never stopped fighting and swearing.  Then he tried to take off my jeans.

I was so furious, that Danny finally tired of all the fighting, as well as his inability to unbutton my jeans, so he climbed off of me saying, “It’s someone else’s turn.”  I was wearing three inch wooden healed clogs at the time and when Danny got up, I whipped my leg over my head and kicked Mark in the head.  He dropped my arm and said, “I think I hear someone coming.”   And they all ran away.

I was left there alone and shocked.  I buttoned my blouse and went out to face the kids who had knowingly left me there to be raped.  I saw one “friend”  and just looked at him and said, “thanks a lot!”   Then I walked back to my school, afraid, humiliated and shocked that the world was so awful.  I played the scene over and over in my head and couldn’t believe what had just happened to me, in broad daylight, with all those people around.

I called my mom to pick me up after school because I wouldn’t get on the bus.  I didn’t tell her why until I got home.

That night my dad and my brother went to each boy’s house and told them individually, in front of their sobbing mothers, that if they ever touched me again they would kill them.

What I learned that day:   I learned that I could NEVER EVER count on anyone to help or save me.  EVER!!!!!   That I was not safe, and never would be!  That no female/woman was safe. That I was on my own and would always be the only one I could count on.

I was happy that I fought back.  Women never know how they will respond to the awful things men do to them.  I was relieved to know I fought and I felt stronger because I did. I had not been raped by those fucking bastards. I had saved myself.  But I know that each horrifying circumstance is different.

And it is NEVER the woman’s fault, NOT EVER, no matter how many morons tell you it is.  And friends and strangers will try to put the blame on you,  just like they did with me.

I did absolutely nothing to encourage them to do that to me.

What a messed up world this is.  Many of my friends kid themselves and believe that they are safe, but I never do.  Any man can turn on you at any time, no matter who they are, no matter how long you’ve know them, at work, in a hall, at night or in broad daylight.  It could be your boss, your uncle, your best friend’s dad, a boyfriend or a stranger.  And everyone will blame the girl or woman, no matter what her age.

Males in our country take away girls and woman’s sense of safety and security every minute of every day.  But males write, interpret and enforce the laws and they like to abuse women and children, so little to nothing is done about the atrocities that take place. And until OTHER MALES hold the rapists, wife beaters and child abusers  accountable for what they do,  nothing will ever change.  So I implore the men out there to stand up for the girls and women they know and love.  And to stand up for the millions of other females you don’t know.  Take a stand, talk about it, with your friends and sons, work to get the laws changed so that RAPE and  the ABUSE of WOMEN and CHIlDREN BECOME CRIMES AGAINST HUMANITY,  because that’s exactly what they are.

The boys who did that to me are adults now.  Some of them have daughters.  I wonder how they would feel if someone did that to their girls.

Comments on: "In her own words…my daughter’s story." (36)

  1. I was abducted by a serial killer at the age of 18. I don’t know why he let me go and killed others. It’s been a very haunting memory my whole life. He is on death row now. There are sick people in this world my friend. We are never safe.

    • Thank you for telling me your story. The more stories we tell the more we help each other. I will remember your story and keep it with me always. I wish only good things for you, my friend, peace, love and light.

      • I don’t tell many people. He killed so many girls ;( Same here my friend Peace 😉

      • It’s too terrible. There is something wrong with our species that this kind of thing can even happen. I don’t blame you for not talking about it. One person’s story can help another person face her/his own story but everyone has to find the right time, if ever, to tell that story. I’m so incredibly sorry for what you have gone through. I wish they would let you flip the switch on the monster, it might make you feel better.

      • I understand. Thank you for sharing it with me. It’s almost unbelievable the amount of terrible things one person can do.

      • I agree but his death would not accomplish anything. But please do not feel sorry for me I survived the other girls did not 😦 It’s just really freaky how I found him. now that’s a strange story .

      • I admire your courage and attitude. I support you in whatever you do 100%. You can tell me whatever you like and I will be here for you. I won’t ask questions because everyone need to tell their story in their own time. Peace and light to you sister.

      • Peace sister 🙂 Just wanted to let you know we are not alone in a world full of evil!!!!

      • Thank you. Let’s stay in touch. Good luck with what’s coming up. Thinking about you. Hugs:)

      • I will stay in touch with you my friend 🙂 I enjoy reading your blog. I have meet so many like minds on wordpress I so enjoy everyone 🙂

      • I enjoy yours as well and I agree, so many nice people on wordpress:)

  2. P.S. My soul is stronger than his 😉

    • People like him have no strength of any kind, that’s why I think they try to steal it from others. I hope that when he crosses over he meets himself on the other side. Blessed be.

      • Oh I want to face him in this lifetime. They have Dna that has not been identified yet. I just had mine done 😉 I believe they are in possession of some of my hair strands 🙂 I just wanted to make sure before I sent them to the person in charge. 🙂 He doesn’t know I found him 🙂 Karma

      • I hope you get to whatever you want. I think you SHOULD be able to do whatever you want to him. I love Karma when she works:) It’s a beautiful thing. Again, all good things sent your way.

      • Thank you my friend 🙂 So sad that there is that kind of evil in the world.

  3. Well, being a male, it is clear from your post that I will never have your respect and, worse, your trust. So be it . . you have your own valid reasons, and horrible experiences to inform your position. For all of my faults, however, I have never committed, or even considered the acts that you describe, and have always stood to defend what is right. Perhaps the incidence is small, but women are also capable of perpetrating atrocities. In any event, I respect you and whitecrow a great deal, and pray that you both know continual peace.

    • This should be not a personal issue for you. We need men who are kind to stand with women who are trying to stop the violence against us and against children. No one is saying that individual men/all men are terrible. It is, you have to admit, difficult to know who to trust. Rape in the military is skyrocketing. Drugs are poured into the drinks of women in college and in the general population. The issue is to point out how hard it is to trust men in general because you only have to make ONE mistake. I know a of wonderful, sweet, caring and gentle men. But I don’t know the guy in the parking lot or the guy walking behind me. The 3 boys who attacked my daughter knew her for 8 years. Men cannot possibly understand what it’s like to be constantly aware of their surroundings and have to go out of their way to be as safe as they can be. It is not possible for men to understand that kind of fear and concern because they don’t live with it every day. Women don’t even know they are doing it because it’s so much a part of us that we aren’t even aware of it. That’s the point we are making. When a woman is beaten every 3 seconds and raped every 3 minutes, you have to expect women to be concerned, afraid, worried and lacking in trust. And even men you know can change in a minute. I drew a chicken for you. You know that I respect your poetry and words. But this is about a bigger issue. You may take it personally but it’s about men and women and the inequality of power. It’s about the fact that men could beat women with a stick as long as it wasn’t thicker than their thumbs. It’s about women not being able to own or inherit property or even keep their children. Women couldn’t vote…powerless. It’s about women being powerless over what happens to their bodies and the laws that are written by men who want to have power over women. It’s about being able to defend ourselves physically or legally. It’s about living in a war zone. It’s about never feeling safe. It’s about having laws written by men who don’t understand or care about women. It’s about a lot of things and all of them have to do with power and violence. “You throw like a girl,” biggest insult to a boy…to do anything like a girl. We are “other” we are things to a lot of men. Violence against women in the media and video games. Why do you think men don’t like it when their daughters start dating? This is not a personal issue it’s a blanket issue on how women are seen and treated in our society. It would be nice if you would take up arms to fight for women rather than feel hurt by what we are saying. To support us and understand our situation. That’s what women need. It’s not about the needs of men, it’s about the end of violence against women. It’s about not letting first offenders off so they can abduct children over and over or rape over and over. It’s about no second chances. It’s about doing the right thing to END THE VIOLENCE.

  4. It is so important that we all share these stories. I’m so glad she was strong enough to fight them off. And still she didn’t walk away unscathed. It is a shame we have to live in fear.

    Survivors have lived in shame and silence for far to long. As you know a good deal of my poetry is about child abuse, incest and rape. I’ve barely scratched the surface….

    I refuse to be silent or a victim. My past experiences are in large part why I write to give voice to myself and others. To speak for those who can’t or won’t and to encourage those who can.

    I agree that you never know which men to fear as I have suffered varying degrees of physical, verbal, emotional and sexual abuse at the hands of “father”, “brother”, “cousin”, “uncle” , “boss”, and a so called “friend” as well as a stranger.

    AND there are good men in the world. It is unfortunate that Rising Hawk took this personally above. I know that you both know that and were not saying that all men are evil.

    AND yes, women are capable of commiting atrocities as well I know that first hand as well.

    For all perpatrators of these horrible acts. For all the “friends” who silently walk away and let something like this happen. For all the mothers who turn a blind eye or worse encourage the despicable actions. For all the mothers that choose a husband or boyfriend over their own child. For all the grandparents or other family members who turn a deaf ear because “they don’t want to get involved.” For all of these less than human people…. I say “Fuck you!” They all deserve a fate worse than death in my opinion.

    The issue is until the good men and women realize the truth in *”The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.” there will be no real change.

    *quote attributed to Edmund Burke

  5. You are so awesome! XXXXOOO Thank you for this wonderful “speak-out” letter. I appreciate you so very much.

  6. That is a horrifying story. It is incredible that your daughter had the courage to fight and overcome those who were stronger than her physically. I am so thankful she did and that her story did not have a more tragic ending like so many others do. It is so tragic that these things happen that destroy our trust in humanity.

  7. That’s what this kind of violence does, it steals your life so that nothing is ever the same. All sense of trust and safety disappears forever. She’s tough and swearing and fighting gave her the power she needed to not give up. She said she wasn’t even afraid because she was SO furious that all she wanted to do was kill them. I’m proud of her. Always. I drive her crazy but she loves me anyway:) That’s all a mother can ask for. I’m always attacking and she wants to live a quiet life by a beach, surrounded by unicorns and sunshine. LOL I’m more of a huge pegasus in dark blues and blacks, snorting and pawing at the ground while thunder clouds gather overhead. But she can and will fight when she has to, so that’s all that’s necessary to get through the bad parts. She’s my baby girl and she’s a kick-ass, take no prisoners, kind of daughter and I’m soooo happy about that.

  8. So sorry that happened to you…and for the scars which were left, which will be a part of you for all of your life. It’s such a shame that the world holds such horror. I’m truly sorry.

  9. Thank you. I will pass along your message. It is a shame that violence is a way of life for so many.

  10. there are things in this world i will never understand, will never wrap my head around no matter how hard i try, like being a friend and simply walking away, like affecting the rest of someone’s life by perpetrating such violence on their person and psyche, like people who condone such inhumane behavior…please tell your daughter i am so sorry this happened, hitandrun, and sorry for what you must be feeling too. peace.

  11. It happened years ago and one of her friends met one of the guys recently. She asked him about it and he said that he didn’t remember doing it! Isn’t that amazing? She won’t forget but he did, or at least he said he did. I guess it was no big deal to him. Thank you for you kind words. She said she learned a lot from the incident and helps others with what she can tell them. All four of her cousins were raped. One of them behind the bushes on the way home from school, on a busy street. When it was over he asked her for her telephone number so they could go out some time. I had a guy come up to me in college and tell me that he wanted to rape me but his one brother was dead and his other brother was in jail and it would kill his mother if he got caught. He sat next to me in class and asked me about black history and when I knew the answers he was really okay with that. The he told me all about his wife and the problems she was having living in Chicago in the projects. I had to walk to my car in the dark, alone that night I didn’t tell anyone because if my husband found out I didn’t know what he would do. Stuff like this happens to women all the time. He may also have forgotten but I sure won’t. Not ever. When someone stand in front of you and tells you that he wants to rape you, your world narrows down to the space you’re standing in. You hear his voice but nothing registers because you kind of freeze and your brain is like, WHAT DID HE JUST SAY? Stillness. Complete stillness. I saw him every week in class. He never spoke to me again because I helped him with his problems with his wife. How could he think that it was okay to do that?

  12. Fianlly…I’ve been searching for this post! Deb tells her story so powerfully. I have scheduled it for A4P…but just thought i should make sure it is ok ? I know i have free reign on your posts but this is Deb’s….
    let me know i scheduled it for 10 pm so i can take it off if needed.

  13. Your daughter’s words are extremely powerful. There certainly is something wrong with our species. The horrors continue and it’s got to stop. I’ve tweeted it from A4P but I’m going to schedule a tweet from here. x

  14. I read this last night, but couldn’t comment, i am so sorry this happened. It’s usually someone the apthat is known that commits this vicious attacks. You’re daughter is a courageous and powerful woman!

    • Thank you Ms. Vee. It’s always shocking. She’s tough and resilient. Women are always blamed for what happens TO them. I’m so sick of it.

      • You’re welcome! I’m sick of it too. How many times must one person be a victim from the same physical attack? Oh I could tell some stories from my 30 years working in the criminal justice system. God bless you and your daughter!

  15. I can’t even imaging the things you have seen. Thirty years is a long time to have to see all of that. Thank you Ms. Vee. I appreciate you very much. ❤

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